Simple enough. What I wrote/what I thought.

SYMPATHY: I am so sorry for your loss. I know there is nothing that I can say to ease your pain right now, but please know I am there for you./'Bout time. He was an old fuck. I bet that sucked, huh?

BIRTHDAY: Hope you have a great day and have fun!/You still admit to celebrating a birthday? Jesus. Well, congrats on breathing in and out for another year, anyway.

CHRISTMAS: I hope you have a wonderful holiday season filled with lots of love, peace, and good family times./ Oh fucking hell, it's Christmas again, huh? Shoot me. I am not kidding.

EASTER: Happy Easter!/Why am I sending a card for Easter, anyway?

GRADUATION: Congratulations on your great accomplishment! I know you worked so hard and I am so proud of you. I will look forward to your next great thing!/Whoopee for you for jumping through some hoops. Hope you enjoyed all that beer and grade inflation. Your slightly-better-paid job will still suck.

THANKSGIVING: Happy Turkey Day!/Have fun cooking for a bunch of trough-lickers. Your turkey is always dry as dust and your stuffing is boring. Enjoy your 5 pound weight gain in a single day.

MOTHER'S DAY: Happy Mother's Day! I love you!/Yes yes yes, I realize this does nothing whatsoever to make me a better daughter, but it also does nothing to erase all your parenting mistakes. HA HA.

FATHER'S DAY: Happy Father's Day!/Oh, whoops! YOU'RE DEAD! HA HA!