BEACHES 2

Yesterday it was sunny and hot, maybe close to 90 degrees with a decent breeze, low humidity, felt FABULOUS. I wait all year for this, so I get a little giddy when it finally arrives and some cloud is not pissing on me. I went down to the marina to drink a yummy pineapple-mango-coconut smoothie and do a little people watching from a bench overlooking the lake. It was a cornucopia of visual delights, in many different ways. So, imagine me, on the bench, the tiny gray brown beach to my right, marina with bobbing big boats to my left, and a fair expanse...

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JEANS

Alright, so yes I am realizing that I may have an obsession with jeans. I don't think by any means that I am the only woman to have this quirk, oh no, not by a long shot. I've seen magazine pictorials of the closets of Hollywood starlets, oh yes I have, and their closets have nothing but jeans and shoes. JEANS, rows and rows of JEANS. I am not alone.Jeans are the ultimate test garments in a woman's life -- even more so than wedding gowns or swimsuits. With the wedding gown, you try on about 50 of them then give up and pick one that makes you feel...

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FIRE

Someone told me my home burnt to the groundAll that was left was fine gray ashI see it and I don’t believe itA tiny neat pile of future and pastThe house where I live still standsJust as it was, the house still standsI feel the ashes soft through my fingersI rub some into my skinI try to build something from themAnd they fall, useless, once againMy house, it stands, as though nothing had changedIt stands behind me, as though nothing had changedThe fire raged around me, through me, left me to wonderLeft me to wonder, what should I seeI can’t see...

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NONNA

I decided to go back to Marshall’s today to do battle with a pair of jeans that denied me a couple of months ago. Back then I had eyed them up, and a sharp, good eye I have in these bargain stores, and I had thought, “Yes, I think I can do this. Imma gonna try ‘em on.” I felt sure that my visual perception was RIGHT ON, and that the jeans would not give me a minute of trouble. So I trot back into the fitting room, shut the door, take off my current jeans, and start to put on these new ones. OH. UH. UM. OOF. They made it as far as the hips, and...

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ALBERTSON'S

Why does every Albertson's supermarket, everywhere around the country, smell like rotting meat? They should fix that. Maybe they kill their employees who take too many cigarette breaks and stuff them behind the cereal boxes. If you think I am onto something here, stop by your local Albertson's and enquire at the Service Desk. Thank y...

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HA 4

My five-year-old daughter, happily and spontaneously clapping along to "People Are Strange" by The Doo...

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WRITER

I get to slack off today because I wrote a seven-page short story!It came about in my very very very favorite way: the idea just appearing in my head, the structure, the everything, BAM! I get hyper and jittery and excited and MUST immediately get to the computer, open up Word, and get it down as fast as my little pillow fingers can type before I lose some of the details. They just keep coming and coming, and sometimes I have to just type out fragments on the page just to keep them because another one starts forming over it, or under it, or through...

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WAX

Can't pass up a $45 special!Anyway.There was a woman who came into the salon today, looked to be in her early-30s, attractive with a long blonde shag-type do, dressed casually sharp in jeans, a tight green tshirt, heels. A little too much sun on the face and a little too made up, but in good shape. She smiles at me, slightly conspiratorially. She brought with her a child who looked to be about three years old. The woman was also getting the $45 special from Helen, a 50-something pleasant Chinese woman with very broken English who smiles and laughs...

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DEATH

There was a hearse parked outside of Wendy's tod...

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BEACHES

No, not the god-awful Bette Midler movie, just the regular sand sort of thing. It is now officially summer, although the weather here is not exactly warm yet. It is teasing at around 70 degrees. June here is such a cruel bastard. You long for the heat of a summer sun, and June still fucks with your head, with rain and 50-degree days, throwing in a high-70s just to toss the clouds back the next day. Eat lead, Pacific Northwest June. Oh. Anyway, summer and the smell of sunscreen make me think of the beach, and I am always happy when thinking about...

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GYM 3

Back at it today, after several days off. 4.24 miles, which pleased me. It still truly surprises me how glad I am to get back on the dumb treadmill. It is good to feel like I am moving forward, I think, and good to feel like I am control of something. This is what I am learning: that what we do with our bodies is one of the few things we truly have some say in, all the time.People came and went as I hung in there for my hour. It interests me how long they stay and how they structure their runs or walks. I marvel at the people who just jump on and...

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ENTROPY

–noun 1.Thermodynamics. a.(on a macroscopic scale) a function of thermodynamic variables, as temperature, pressure, or composition, that is a measure of the energy that is not available for work during a thermodynamic process. A closed system evolves toward a state of maximum entropy. b.(in statistical mechanics) a measure of the randomness of the microscopic constituents of a thermodynamic system. Symbol: S 2.(in data transmission and information theory) a measure of the loss of information in a transmitted signal or message. 3.(in cosmology)...

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FACT

In almost every single circumstance, it is better to SHUT UP. Talk less, watch and listen. Trust me on this. SHUT UP UP UP UP UP UP UP. The more you talk, the more trouble you buy. Shush. Quiet. Bandage your pie hole. Close your fly trap.Try this for a week. It will change your li...

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NEIGHBORS 3

And...they are gone.Didn't see them arrive, never saw them go. That is quite an accomplishment, because I am here almost all the time. I suspect it was in the middle of the night, that night I heard a gunning car engine in the alley. What happened to all your stuff? Is it still there? 'Cause you guys are gone, and you are not coming back.The cops came sniffing around your place, twice that I saw in the month or so you lived here. Always two, with two cars. They smiled at me as I drove past them on my way out the driveway. I didn't ask what was...

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CLOWNS

I'll bet you do not feel neutral about clowns. People seem to have either a a total love or extreme dislike for them. I am firmly and permanently in the latter group.I DON'T LIKE CLOWNS. I REALLY REALLY REALLY DON'T. And I am here tonight to tell you why, in a few hundred words. I don't think I will get to a thousand because I haven't had much coffee today.Clowns are creepy. There is something very odd and disturbing about a grown person trying to be amusing by obscuring their features with bizarre heavy makeup and putting on overly-large colorful...

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CH-CH-CH-CH CHANGES

David Bowie fills in for me tonight. Dedicated to a young man who is close, closest to my heart. I still don't know what I was waiting for And my time was running wild A million dead-end streets Every time I thought I'd got it made It seemed the taste was not so sweet So I turned myself to face me But I've never caught a glimpse Of how the others must see the faker I'm much too fast to take that test Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes (Turn and face the strange) Ch-ch-Changes Don't want to be a richer man Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes (Turn and face the strange) Ch-ch-Changes...

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FAITHHOPECHARITY

I vaguely recall first coming across these three bundled words/names in a magazine article about a set of very old triplets. I had no idea that they were named after martyred Catholic saints, because I was never a Catholic, and hardly a saint nor martyr. Their names sounded so corny and old to me, and I was grateful that at least the only burden I had to live up to with my name was maybe that I would not be as cute as Mary Ann on “Gilligan’s Island.” Who are these girls, these words, anyway?Faith. Well, there’s a word I never liked. Faith, feh....

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PUNK

Hey, PUNK. Hey, I’m talking to you, PUNK! No, I am probably not, because to me calling someone a “punk” is a real, and rare, compliment. I don’t just give that out to anyone, oh no. If I think you are a punk, you are close to my little rebel bird-flippin’ heart.Now, do not misunderstand me. I am not talking about the old-style juvie delinquent punk ala Rebel Without A Cause, nor the safety-pin-in-the-nose-and-bondage-pants punk. I hate fake punk, but I understand why some people buy into it. It’s easy to cop a ‘tude, and put on the right clothes,...

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BOX

Going into a Best Buy store, for me, is like instantly being covered in a depressing, heavy, sour, itchy wool blanket that cuts off all fresh air and light, with a musty smell of hopelessness that fills the no...

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TEENAGERS 3

Today, as I do every year, I went to my teen son’s small school to watch the 8th Grade graduation ceremony. It is a thoughtful, enjoyable hour or so, where teachers write a little speech about each graduating child and present them with a individually-chosen book according to their interests and personalities. The teachers put good effort into writing their pieces, as much for the parents’ benefit as each child, I think. Some teachers are natural writers and presenters, some not as much, but they all seem to enjoy doing it.The children’s reactions...

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DUDE 4

As you waited for the bus with your ratty long brown hair in your black leather trenchcoat that nearly touched the ground, the menace you hoped to give off really failed pretty complete...

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DUDE 3

Your hair, an explosion of undifferentiated orb-like frizz, well-complimented your extra-large-beach-ball-sized stomach as you walked your bike across the stre...

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DUDE 2

Oh, sir. My teen son nearly blasted my ears out with his guffaws when he saw you on the sidewalk today, all 98-pasty-myopic-painfully-thin pounds of you, wearing a white t-shirt, a black wrestling singlet, black Converse high-tops with black socks, eating a bag of chips and apparently talking to yourself or worse, on a Bluetoo...

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HORSE 2

Of course, that horse came in dead last next time. It's because I wrote about him, I am quite sure.Partly because of "Mr. Ed" and the fact that I was a young female, there was nothing more I wanted as a child than my very own pony. PONY!!!!! We lived right next to a farm, and were very friendly with the kind old folks that owned it, and there really would've been no problem to board a pony there. I brought this logic to my father right before my 4th birthday. He was reading the paper. He folded it down, looked at me and with an almost-but-not-quite-imperceptible...

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CAR

When I was a tyke, we had this obscure Italian car called a Facel Vega. My dad was one of those guys who liked to have everything different and unique, that no other man in town, the the state, in the COUNTRY would have. So we got this car, dubbed "The Batmobile" immediately by the neighborhood kids which chagrined my dad to no end. It was shiny shiny black, had a lovely soft leather and burled wood interior, and smelled fancy.It also had "suicide doors," which if you don't know the term, were doors that were rear-hinged with no center pillar....

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HA 3

Once on an 18-hour Greyhound bus ride from Chicago to Philadelphia, I laughed for nearly an hour straight when the giant orange I was about to peel and eat fell from my hands and rolled up and down the aisle, back and forth, back and for...

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GAS

Four dollars and fifty cents a gallon. FOUR DOLLARS AND FIFTY CENTS A GALLON. I have no idea why people aren't rioting, burning, looting, pillaging, and most importantly, stealing gasoline. My dad the car enthusiast would be rolling in his grave, if he had a grave. Instead, I imagine his ashes are rolling at the bottom of the Wisconsin River. He would've been pissed.I remember the first time gas went over a buck. People were HOWLING with indignation, couldn't even believe it, wanted to kill a guy or something. Now? Oh, sure, everyone is whining,...

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WIN

I was such a weird little kid. I had a thing about playing games at birthday parties. I wouldn’t partake, even at my own parties, even if everyone won something. How odd. I’m sure it had something to do with perfectionism, not being able to bear even the idea of not being #1, even in something at stupid as a carry-an-egg-on-a-spoon relay. So I just wouldn’t play. Mindful of others perceptions of me, I didn’t want anyone to think I was a poor sport or anything, so I would just claim to be tired or “just wanted to watch for awhile.” How does that...

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CRANK

Today’s the day.If you say one more rude, crappy, inappropriate, and/or grossly self-centered comment anywhere in my vicinity – ANYWHERE – I’m gonna tell you to f right the f off.You are so horrible. You may be one of the most awful human beings I have ever had the misfortune to come across. For years, you have made a reputation for being an embarrassment to yourself, your family, and anything you are associated with. All you do is complain and force attention towards YOUR PERSONAL NEEDS. WAKE UP! YOU ARE DESPISED!!You thrive on intimidating everyone,...

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PLAID

I was shopping around online a few days ago and I saw this fabulous pink plaid miniskirt, which I fell in love with immediately. I looked to see if they had it in my size, which they did, and I went to click “Add to Shopping Cart,” then thought again. I gave it another hard look. Aw, crap. I can’t wear that anymore. I would look silly. I tried to think of a way to old it up, and just could not. Huge sigh. It was so cute.I like plaid things, although not all plaid things. Plaid golf pants are not appealing, nor are plaid bedsheets. I like bold plaids....

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TAILGATE

It was certainly wrong, illegal, dangerous, and neglectful for my dad to allow me to ride down the road on the open tailgate of our '67 Ford station wagon at about 30 mph, but it sure was f...

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NIGHT

My favorite time in the 24 hour cycle is when the sky is deep matte blue, but still light enough to see dim cloud patterns, and the trees look like flat black silhouettes against it. Bonus points for a crystal-clear full moon beaming out a silver glow, and an array of assorted planets, stars, satellites, planes, and unknowns.I am a night girl. It is so much more interesting than the daytime. Daytime represents all the dull tasks that must be done; nighttime has so many more possibilities of surprise and strangeness. The world, too plain and open...

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RIDE

There are many lines dividing youth from maturity. One of them is the day you can no longer go on carnival rides without becoming ill. It is a sad day, one that rips you from the effortless joy of giddy, spinning childhood into the sorry realization that you are no longer so balance-flexible nor stomach-hardy, and the adult world looms.That day came for me at the ripe old age of 15. A group of us headed off to Dandelion Park, a minuscule theme park (theme was weeds? idk) where I was primarily excited about the idea of sharing a close and romantic...

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