After some thought, I have come to the conclusion that at points in my life, I have been a bit of a nerd. Yes, you read that right, ME COOL COOL ME, yes I think it is possible that there were stretches where I was not altogether totally in with the in crowd. I have my reasons. For one, I am a damn genius. Right here, right now, check it out, OH YES. I don’t know any really truly cool geniuses. They are all nerds underneath, even with the right clothes on and good hair and the perfect amount of aloofness. Secondly, I like reading books about grammar and neurological abnormalities and dogs. And I still can occasionally blush, stammer, and wallflower. I reluctantly accept that I have a chunk of nerd to me. Alright. OK. Huh.

I see discrete differences, however, in the distinctions between a nerd, a dork, and a geek, outlined below for your reading ease:

  • Nerd: the top-end of the Nerd Spectrum Disorder, the nerd, as noted in Paragraph 1, has some number of uncoolnesses to him or her. All nerds have a book problem. They are the ones who coined and use the awful phrase, “So many books, so little time.” Most will wear glasses, or fake out with contacts, but will get a little panicky if, like the guy in that episode of The Twilight Zone (which I think was Burgess Meredith which is a really nerdy name), they lose or break their glasses which prevents them from being able to read books and dense periodicals. Nerds may be very very cool in places, but always have that touch of fail to them. Nerds can be movers and shakers, or immobile and shaky. It’s a good time to be a nerd, because of the high-tech industry and cultural acceptance of nerds like Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman, Barbara Walters, and Barack Obama.
  • Dork: next step down, the Dork is more hopeless than the Nerd. The Dork is lacking the cover mechanisms of the Nerd; he or she has no taste in clothes, may not even notice what is in fashion or out, probably drives a ’91 Civic, shamelessly carries gaming magazines around in public, and usually looks a bit like a deer in the headlights. The Dork has that sort of stunned, glazed look like someone just beaned him in the head with a tetherball, with the tetherball cord wrapping around his body directly afterwards. The sound for this would be: DORK!whipwhipwhipwhipwhipwhipwhip. Hence the name, “Dork.” Dorks are bright folks, generally, and can be quite funny and wonderful, but the cool factor…nah. Famous Dorks: David Letterman, Ellen Degeneres, Abraham Lincoln.
  • Geek: the lowest level of diagnosis here, the Geek, is unredeemable in total lack of cool. There is just nothing to be done with the Geek, other than to just let him or her go and try to rule the world, or sit in a basement obsessing over model trains or binary code or butterfly specimens or the ramifications of untreated household mold on the human respiratory system. Now, one could argue that the Geek, by not only not caring but having zero awareness for such things as fashion, culture, or common social interaction, is the coolest of the cool, the Ultimate Punk. What makes the Geek the Geek is the likelihood that they will have several of these factors in place: halitosis, greasy self-cut hair, food on chin, donkey bray laugh, afraid of kittens, spittle in corner of mouth, over- or undertalkative, claims to never watch TV or is a writer for TV Guide, picks everything off their food until is it oatmeal-like, would like to vacation in Williamsburg every year, falls when walking. Some well-know Geeks are Bill Gates, Ralph Nader, and Brad Pitt.
Alright. I lied. I am not really a genius, just a Subgenius. Was that cool of me to admit, or am I a dork now?