ME, T1D, AND "THE PRICE IS RIGHT"

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PREVIEW: POPTHOMOLOGY PRESENTS KITSCH FLICKS: VINTAGE ANTI-DRUG FILMS & SONGS @ CHOP SUEY, 2/3/16, 7PM

Seattle-area cats and kitties, I am SO VERY EXCITED to be presenting my very first video night at my go-to joint for music, mirth, and mayhem, Chop Suey, this Wednesday night, February 3rd, beginning at 7PM and running until close! The evening's theme is the (mainly) mid-century anti-drug/alcohol/smoking public service announcements, songs, kids' programming, and short films that infused my childhood and yours with a lot of freaky and unintentional hilarity, and nightmares that lasted well into adulthood. I've selected over three hours of clips ranging from the 1920s (whoa!) through the early 1990s, including songs by Michael Jackson and Bill Cosby, a groovy gold-satin-suited Sonny Bono urging us to think for ourselves about the dangers of marijuana, singing blue pills warning us that they are not candy, and culminating in the infamous 1967 acid-soaked "Blue Boy" episode of TV's "Dragnet!" It's fun, funny, and a cultural time-warp -- think of it as your opportunity to soak up some sociology while marveling at the many media attempts to "get you kids on the right path."

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PHOTOS & WRAP UP: #SHOUTYOURABORTION BENEFIT SHOW, CHOP SUEY, SEATTLE, WA. 12/8/15 BY AMELIA BONOW & VICTORIA HOLT!

(I'm very pleased and honored today to host the work of activist/writer Amelia Bonow, co-founder of the #ShoutYourAbortion movement, and Victoria Holt, ace photographer. I am inspired by the creativity and courage both these friends have shown, and grateful for all they bring to our community. Amelia has written a lil' wrap up about the recent benefit show in support of SYA's larger mission, which is to keep opening up productive, positive, and non-judgmental dialogue about abortion, and Victoria took some kick-ass photos of the great local bands that played that night. 

I realize that the topic of abortion is extremely divisive, and I respect that it's a complex subject. However, any analysis of human history shows two things: 1. Abortion has existed forever, and will continue to exist forever, no matter what restrictions are put in place, so all societies choose to make the procedure safe or unsafe, and; 2. If women do not have full autonomy and choice about what happens to their own bodies, they are made lesser humans, and will exist as prisoners all their lives. 

Thank you, Amelia and Victoria. -- Marianne)

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I MADE YOU SOME GET WELL CARDS (2015)

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TEN PRESCRIPTION DRUGS I THINK SHOULD EXIST

MEDS.

AMIRITE?

ERR BUDDY ON DA MEDS.

Young, old, healthy, infirm, yes...it seems just about everyone in America is regularly taking some kind of medication, to the infinite delight of Big Pharma. Now don't get me wrong -- most meds are a magnificent benefit to living in Our Moderne Tymes. They can prevent Small Illness from becoming Big Illness, and Big Illness from becoming Actual Final Death. Hooray for Science! But are we an overmedicated society, too fast to pop pills for the slightest reason? Probably. Yet there are some conditions that remain unaddressed by the pharmaceutical industry, and so I have helpfully gone ahead here with my suggestions which should jumpstart their creation. Please to enjoy!

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I VISITED THE AUDIOLOGIST & GOT A BIG SURPRISE

I thought I had really done it this time.

I thought, well, that's it, it's all caught up with me at last.

I thought, I'm screwed.

It's the secret worry of anyone who has spent a lifetime in and around rock music: 

I am losing my hearing.

For the last couple of weeks, I have been experiencing some problems with my ears, including ringing, muffled hearing, and sensitivity to sound. Two visits to two doctors offered little relief and not much info, other than I wasn't sick or wax-bound. Nasal sprays and a short course of steroids and two visits to two doctors didn't solve the problem. It was time to visit a proper ear, nose, and throat doctor to get my hearing thoroughly tested.

To say I was nervous is great understatement. I have never experienced anything like this for such a long period of time, and was near-panicked thinking that I might be told that attending loud music events would further damage my hearing and that I should stop, a loss that would be profoundly sad on many levels for me as a music photographer, friend, and fan.

As I stepped in the audiologist's tiny sound-proof booth for the test, I noticed he was speaking pointedly and loudly to me. I felt like crying, but instead concentrated on the instructions he gave me for the multiple tests. I was hooked up to machines that caused a pressure in my ear, made teeeeeeny little beeping sounds, and spoke words rapid-fire at me, which I had to repeat back through a microphone. It was really exhausting. The beeps were far quieter than my own breathing sounds or the rustle of the headphones on my hair. I just had no idea if I was doing well or poorly. I was preparing myself to hear what I didn't want to hear after the tests were done.

As the audiologist was printing out my results, he asked me another question:

"Do you wear earplugs at the concerts you go to?"

"Yes," I replied, offering a sad smile. "Every time, and I have used them since I was a teenager."

He smiled, and showed me a chart. "Well, congratulations, because that has paid off for you big-time."

Whaaa??

He continued, "Your ears are perfect. Your hearing is perfect. You don't even have the loss one would normally expect for anyone your age, not even counting your music noise exposure. You could not have had a better result."

"Really??? Oh my god. Oh my god, thank you!" I felt so grateful I could have kissed him, but refrained.

I mean, I have been to a LOT of shows since the '70s, and have been next to speakers so loud, they blew my HAIR. I thought, eventually, I would pay for it in hearing loss, no matter what I did to try to avoid it. But they worked. The earplugs worked!!!

The ENT told me to chill and to enjoy my perfect ears, keep going to shows, and keep using those earplugs. My current problems, he thinks, are just a little seasonal allergies and should recede soon.

So the purpose of me telling you all this isn't to let you know my ears are OK -- it's to tell you to also 

KEEP USING YOUR EARPLUGS 

at concerts, or if you don't use them, start NOW. There are many different kinds, and most are very inexpensive. If they are uncomfortable or not effective, try out some different brands and kinds -- everyone's ears are uniquely shaped. Keep losing them? Buy 'em in bulk! Always forget them? Keep some in your purse or car, or ask if the venue sells them -- most do. Don't even WASTE time thinking you will look uncool or not macho or won't enjoy the show as much when wearing earplugs! Just do it, my friends. Just do it, so you never have to end up in a tiny little sound-proof booth not hearing any little beeps at all.

The Shag, "Stop and Listen"

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PIGS HAVE FLOWN: I AM SALUTING A LARGE CORPORATION TODAY! WTG, CVS PHARMACY!

Man, there's nothing easier to do than criticize, right? Anything and everything can be picked apart, and is. It's a particularly popular sport in this age of ERR BUDDY HAS A BLOG OR TWITTER. But today, I am (virtually) standing and delivering the SLOW CLAP OF ADMIRATION to (gasp!) a large retail chain store for acting with (double gasp!) integrity.

in·teg·ri·ty

inˈtegritē/

noun

1. 1.

   the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.

   "he is known to be a man of integrity"

   synonyms:

   honesty, probity, rectitude, honor, good character, principle(s), ethics,morals, righteousness, morality, virtue, decency, fairness,scrupulousness, sincerity, truthfulness, trustworthiness
2. 2.

   the state of being whole and undivided.

   "upholding territorial integrity and national sovereignty"

   synonyms:

   unity, unification, coherence, cohesion, togetherness, solidarity

Pharmacy giant CVS announced today that as of October 1, 2014, they will no longer sell tobacco products at any of their 7600 stores throughout the United States. In this age of ever-increasing income skew and corporate profiteering with absolutely no concern for human fallout, this is an astonishing choice to make. I will remind you that smoking is the leading cause of preventable deaths in the United States, and in a new report from the Surgeon General last month, has been linked to a much broader range of horrible illnesses than previously thought. The wretched misery smoking brings to families, the staggering burdens it places on our health care system and economy, is unfathomable. These are facts. 

Pharmacies like CVS as well as many grocery chains have been steadily increasing their roles as health care providers -- millions of people are able to pop in and get a flu shot, check their blood pressure, or find out with a Rapid Strep test if that sore throat needs antibiotics or not. It's often far more convenient than trying to set up a doctor's appointment -- you can go in when you want, on your schedule, as you need, and that is a really good thing. CVS expects that by removing cigarettes, chew, etc. from their shelves, they will incur losses of about TWO BILLION DOLLARS per year. They have plans to rebuild the lost tobacco-sales income by broadening their partnerships with health care organizations, something that could not be accomplished while continuing to sell tobacco products, and will soon launch a major smoking-cessation program nationwide.

Are there other things that CVS sells in their stores that aren't healthy? Yes, nit-pickers, but it would be hard to claim that cigarettes weren't the worst of the offenders. By making the choice to generate corporate income not from a product that is a certain cause of human suffering, but from partnerships that encourage and facilitate wellness, CVS has acted with integrity. I encourage you to locate your local CVS by clicking right HERE, reward them for making a brave step by giving them your consumer dollars, and support their decision to take a brighter path.

  

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"MISTAKES" -- A STUNNING, HEARTBREAKING PSA FROM NEW ZEALAND THAT YOU MUST SEE

A new PSA video from the New Zealand transport agency, quickly going viral now, is less than a minute long, but once you view it, you will never forget it. When I came by it today on Facebook, I was very emotionally affected by it. Go ahead and watch it, please, and then I will tell you why it made me cry.

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24 VINTAGE CHRISTMAS CIGARETTE ADS!

Yes, nothing says "happy holidays" more than the gift of a carton of cigarettes! The smell of mentholated smoke just beckons ol' Santa to slide down the chimney! I think back in the early '60s we kids may have wrapped up a carton of Salems for my dad, which now seems completely insane. But at least everyone else was insane, too, as we might infer from mid-century magazine ads. Please to enjoy some of these jolly old holiday persuasions for lung cancer and emphysema, and don't listen to that ninny Ronald Reagan -- stop smoking in 2014!

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IGOTSUMSCREEN IN MY EYES AND CAN'T SEE A THING

So this is how I rtpe when I can't see anthyhing. I bet it;s very bad You'd think I'd be able to type better than this without loooking at my dingers rignt? O am betting this is not too readable. Sorry, ,anm

O ssll this same thing every summer with the sumscreen Every summer! I forget to use a different sunscareen on my face and them I don't and then I sweat or rub my eyes and it gets into my  eyes and then it stings like hell and I can't see a danf thing because my eyes are watering so bacy,

Anyway, I jope you've enjoued my blinnd typi g here and I will see you {{ ha ha{  tomorrow with muycch better looking type.

The Jamies, "Summertime, Summertime"

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CROSSING THE GLASS: HOW FEAR PROTECTS YOU...AND RUINS YOUR LIFE

My very favorite book from my childhood was a volume from the LIFE Science Library called "The Mind," published in 1964. I cannot even estimate the hours I spent reading and re-reading this. It's really, really INTERESTING! There really isn't anything cooler than the human mind.

As I look through the book now (YES, I still have it!), I realize what a huge influence it had upon me, and was surely the foundation in my decision to eventually get a REEL COLEGE SKOOL degree in psychology. Scoff at my liberal arts-iness, my professional friends, go ahead! When you have a better understanding of why people do what they do, you aren't as flummoxed by the capriciousness of human behavior -- including your own. Understanding also, with practice and patience, builds compassion and empathy, qualities sorely needed in this weird old world.

Anyway, one of the entries in the book featured a full-page photo of an infant sitting on a large piece of glass suspended several feet off the ground. He is freaking out and looks extremely miserable. It's a famous bit of psychology, answering the question "at what point in development does a baby perceive something to be threatening, causing a fear response?" Pretty darn early, actually -- well before the first birthday. Prior to this development, you can sit a baby on the glass and they will be happy as a lil' clam, playing and crawling back and forth. After, they scream, cry, freeze in terror, or refuse to get on the glass at all. They now understand that by all known logic, they should now be falling a long way, and that is bad, bad, bad. It takes a bit longer for them to understand what the deal is about glass.

The development of fear is vital to our survival. Imagine if Cavey McKnuckledragger never developed a fear response -- he would have been eaten by proto-wolves or bat-tigers or something and you and I wouldn't be having this friendly Internet moment right now. But Cavey worked it all out, and learned to avoid life-threatening situations, at least long enough to procreate. The fear response, at the very beginning, is intuitive. The baby on the glass? How does he figure out that he should be freakin'? He probably hasn't even taken a fall of any kind yet in his short life (we hope). But his mind is a giant, grand thing, and it's forming connections faster than you can flip the channel off of FOX NEWS (we hope). Babies falling from high things is no good at all, says the tiny brain to Glass Baby, and you should really start crying to get someone to help you right about now, bud. Brain has protected Baby even before baby knows he has a brain. We need to feel fear to be able to navigate life's perils.

Ah, but you know what's coming next. Fear is also our worst enemy. It often grows within us unchecked, forming deep roots inside our minds, strangling rational thought or obscuring our hopes and dreams for ourselves or our loved ones. It can manifest as blatantly as a full-on wild phobia or as subtle as a completely-competent person turning down a great opportunity because of a lack of confidence. In so many ways, we are fearful over things that we shouldn't be, and our lives are lessened because of it.

We fear rejection. We fear failure. We fear success. We fear being laughed at or shamed. We fear not being liked. We fear being alone. We fear commitment. We fear what people might say about us behind our backs. We fear knowing. We fear ignorance. We fear giving everything and losing it all. We fear the illness we don't even have. We fear not fitting in. We fear never standing out in a crowd. We fear having to choose. We fear having no options. We worry and worry and fret and fret and guess WHAT?

Almost all of that is for NOTHING. It is a total WASTE. How much have you NOT DONE or NOT EVEN TRIED because of some kind of social fear? You have one life, and it's done very quickly. I congratulate you on avoiding bat-tigers and living long enough to read this, but just surviving isn't enough. It isn't, and even that freakin' baby knows that. When he gets off that awful glass, you know what he's gonna do? He's going to go back to being a scientist, exploring the world with bountiful curiosity and delight. If he wants something, he'll crawl over to get it or cry to get you to bring it to him.  Life is nothing but this amazing series of discoveries, both pleasant and perturbing, but all of it interesting and awesome. Oh, how quickly it all goes away, curiosity and resiliency replaced by worry, fear, and doubt.

How to respect the fear we must have to survive and how to smash the fear that is detrimental to our happiness and fulfillment is one of the biggest tasks we have as human beings. We must judge whether danger is real or just an illusion, which takes great determination, motivation, and honesty. Sometimes crossing the glass is the only way to get to where you need to be.

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WANNA FEEL SICK? WATCH THIS CLIP FROM A FILM ABOUT WEATHER, CLIMATE, & GLOBAL WARMING...FROM THE 1950s

The best and brightest scientific minds have long been in agreement that global warming is the single greatest threat to the continuation of life on Earth. But just how long we have known that our unchecked atmosphere-destroying waste was an unfolding tragedy was unknown to me until I saw this  today. Made by legendary director Frank Capra for Bell Labs in 1958, "The Unchained Goddess," in this just-over-a-minute-long film clip, is nauseatingly prophetic.

Imagine if we had listened, and imagine if we had taken it all seriously and done something about it back then, wrestling the beast who will kill us to the ground.

Imagine.

"The Unchained Goddess" clip, 1958

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WEIRD GOVERNMENT FILM OF THE DAY: "JACKSON JUNIOR HIGH ALCOHOL EDUCATION" (1976)

You thought I found a weird PSA film yesterday? THIS ONE TOPS IT! In 1976, I, too, was a junior high school student, but we never had an alcohol use education film like this one, featuring Patches, a drunken St. Bernard dog. Yes, A HUGE DRUNK DROOLING DOG! This little movie is made extra-mega-awesome by intensely-'70s clothes, hair, and glasses, a 14-year-old girl sitting at a bar quizzing a bartender about alcohol contents, junior high kids drinking champagne at an African-American wedding, an animated sequence with "alcohol" vrooming through the body on a personal hovercraft wearing a German war helmet, tender folk songs about alcohol usage, and the science teacher bringing in a variety of booze into the classroom and announcing that if you drink rubbing alcohol. "you can destroy all the nerve cells in your body and maybe even go blind." PERFECT -- thank you, United States Department of Health, Education, and Welfare!! Please to enjoy!!

Jackson Junior High Alcohol Education (1976)

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UNINTENTIONAL PSA: "SHUT YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU SNEEZE" BY SCREAMIN' JAY HAWKINS

Everyone around here except ME has been getting colds; typical, I think with the change in seasons. Because I I I I I don't want to get sick, I find myself barking out orders to the kids: "WASH YOUR HANDS! COVER YOUR MOUTH! DON'T COUGH RIGHT IN MY FACE IN A CLOSED VEHICLE! USE A KLEENEX, GOD!!!" and things of this nature. I think it would be much more fun to just play this song by the late psychobilly musical pioneer, Screamin' Jay Hawkins. Please to enjoy this very silly song and STAY AWAY FROM ME, SICKIES!

shut your mouth when you sneeze
don't put them funky things on me
you even got your eyeballs closed
i don't know what comes out your nose

shut your mouth when you brush your teeth
i smell your gums you got rotten meat
your face looks like you've just been beat
I'll never sit next to you when you eat

A you're adorable
B i believe you stand a chance
A when the truth is really awful
gee you look like a blown up mutant ant!

A you've got those huge baboon lips
plastic surgery helped king kong's hips
did you, oh did you hear what i said?
a baboon knows that a monkey head

i wish i'd met you before you were born
i could've changed your head for a corn
but you have lived this way too long
and now your folks don't want you to belong

shut your mouth don't try to talk
you're just learning how to walk
i dont know what you have got
they call it this, i say jungle rot!

shut your mouth when you sneeze
dont put them funky things on me
you even got your eyeballs closed
i dont know what comes out your nose

Screamin' Jay Hawkins, "Shut Your Mouth When You Sneeze"

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STRANGE VIDEO OF THE DAY: "SNIFFY ESCAPES POISONING" (1967)

I spent ALL and I mean ALL of this lovely rare sunny day combing video footage for a project, and when I came across this, MAN, I had to share it with you! "Sniffy Escapes Poisoning" is hands-down one of the weirdest child safety PSA films I have ever seen. It totally supports my theory that EVERYONE in the '60s was on DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS. Even the "straights" were high as a damn kite, I swear. This film leaves me with a mutsy, hallucinogenic feeling, like you drank 5 hi-ball glasses of Tang and Robitussin and watched old Soviet-bloc "CBS Children's Film Festival" films for  a few hours. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Please to enjoy, and watch out for those Asian red and blue pills!!!

Sniffy Escapes Poisoning (1967)

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HOW TO PET DOGS & CATS: A PRIMER FOR THE FEARFUL, UN-EXPOSED, AND ALLERGIC

It is SOLID MODERN SCIENCE that owning a pet can strongly benefit your overall health and well-being. I feel so fortunate in so many ways to have shared all my years but a couple with a pet in residence. Since having pets and interacting with them has always been part of my daily life, it's always been a curious thing for me to meet up with people who have "pet issues." It wasn't until I became a parent when I'd have some kids over for playdates and they (and often, their parents) would freak at the sight of our dog or cat that I realized how many people haven't had experience with companion animals, or their contact had been unpleasant. Sometimes I would find myself in the role of person-to-pet mini-therapist, gently explaining to the reticent kid or adult friend how to approach an animal in a safe and friendly way. It was very gratifying to see someone who previously would never think of getting near a dog or cat be able to relax and enjoy greeting and petting a friendly member of another species, so I thought I'd write up a little primer here for those who might benefit. These things may all seem incredibly obvious to pet owners, but if you aren't taught these things, how can you know? So...

LET'S LEARN HOW TO PET A PET! 

RULE #1: ASK THE OWNER BEFORE APPROACHING ANY ANIMAL. This is very important. Some animals are not good with being handled or touched by strangers (or even their owners). Do not reach or walk towards an animal you don't know before confirming with the owner that it is OK. It's generally not a great idea to touch an animal that is running loose or tied up outside a store with no owner present. If you think an animal is lost, call your local pet control or shelter, or someone you know with a lot of animal experience.

RULE #2: DO NOT INTERACT WITH HYPER ANIMALS. Dogs in particular can get very excited when greeting people, and barking, jumping up, and even nipping are common behaviors. If you find yourself in this situation, be calm and back away until the owner regains control of the dog and it settles down. Do not yell or scream, and don't give the dog positive attention for bad behavior. Jumping up behaviors can be dangerous for little kids and older folks who may not be so steady on their feet.

RULE #3: DO NOT INTERACT WITH ANIMALS SHOWING NERVOUS OR DEFENSIVE BEHAVIOR: This seems like a no-brainer, but the signs of stress in an animal can sometimes be confusing. Growling, hair puffed up on the back, a steady stare and rigid stance are are signs of fight-or-flight response, but did you know that a twitching or wagging tail sometimes shows stress, too? Pay attention, and leave an unhappy pet alone.

RULE #4: ALWAYS OFFER A CONSERVATIVE FIRST GREETING, EVEN WITH THE NICEST PETS: Even a sweet animal can be quickly overwhelmed when it is touched too suddenly or in the wrong spots. Let the pet approach you first and sniff your legs, and give them some time to figure out who you are. Gently offer the palm or back of your hand for the pet to sniff, but don't hover or crouch over, and do NOT stare at the pet's eyes. Speak quietly and kindly; loud noises can instantly upset any animal. If this goes well, you can gently pet the animal on the side of the body or face, upper or mid back, or scratch behind its ears if it likes that (many animals do). Avoid petting the stomach or tail area unless you know the animal well -- these are areas of vulnerability to an animal and they can snap suddenly if they feel they are threatened. Don't walk behind any animal to pet it-- let it see you at all times. And don't pet an animal that is eating -- a lot of them DO NOT LIKE.

RULE #5: KEEP FACES AWAY FROM FACES: I take a conservative stance on this, although I know many pet owners love having their dogs or cats lick their faces. Keep an "alpha postion" when petting an animal; this is especially important for children. As tempting as it is to get right in the face of an animal 'cause they is so durn cute, it just isn't a good idea. It only takes a second to receive a bite from a stressed or spooked animal. Also, dogs and cats clean their excretory areas with the tongues. You do not really want dog or cat poop germs all over your face, do you?

RULE #6: FOR THE ALLERGIC, EASY DOES IT. Pet allergies can be as mild as a stuffy nose or itchy eyes, or as severe as hives and a blowout of the respiratory system, and often run in families, and those families often end up disliking all pets because they are associated with unpleasant physical symptoms. If your allergies are on the lighter side, remember that it is not the animal's fur that is causing the reaction; it's the pets saliva, dander, or urine that may be on the fur. If you would like to greet a pet, keep your face as far away as you can, don't vigorously pet the animal, and remember to wash your hands thoroughly afterwards. Outdoors is better than indoors, too! Allergic people often complain that dogs and cats "know" it and specially come over to them just to be annoying. This is sort of true, because most housepets are intensely interested in anyone in the home. If you don't offer them at least a short greeting, some are just compelled by curiosity to get it out of you one way or another!

For all the warnings above, I want to repeat that it is a very good thing, even if you just plain don't dig cats or dogs, to know how to interact with animals just for safety's sake alone. I can't tell you how many times I've seen children scream at animals or be too rough or pull at tails, and that is dangerous. Adults, too, need to know how to handle themselves around animals they may encounter, because we are a pet-loving world, and they are just everywhere you go. So, good luck and good petting!

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OH, PSYCHOLOGY! HERE'S PSA EDUFILM "ANGRY BOY!" (1951)

Wow! As a student and fan of psychology, I love coming across cultural artifacts related to the very fascinating history of mental health care, and this one is a doozy! This is 30 minutes of FREUDIAN FUN from the Michigan Department of Mental Health -- one of the many government-sponsored social PSA films that were released post-WWII in order to shape a healthier (or some might argue, more conformist) population. "Angry Boy" deals with a 10-year-old student named Tommy caught stealing money out of his teacher's purse, and his family's subsequent entry into the local "child guidance" clinic for treatment from a very weird psychologist and his zombie-like assistants. OF COURSE, the boy's mother and the mother's mother ARE THE PROBLEM, as per ol' Sigmund -- misguided, miserable, migraine-suffering nags, all. Dad is a total wimp, OF COURSE, who doesn't even account for much of the dysfunctional dynamic.

My favorite scene is when, during "play therapy," the psychologist gives Angry Tommy Boy A TOY GUN so they can both enjoy a little target practice while discussing ANGER PRODUCING THINGS. Nice link-up there, DOC!

So, sit right down, grab a cool beverage of your choice, or a crossbow, whatever, and please to enjoy!

"Angry Boy" (1951)

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FIVE THINGS I KNOW FOR SURE ABOUT RAISING KIDS

Today I am laying on you cats and kitties some parenting advice -- not because I am the world's greatest parent, not because I have three spawns of very different ages, and not because I think I have particularly novel insight. No, I am writing this up because I feel after 21+ years of road testing, these few simple things are SOLID and worthy of passing on and could be of some help. Everyone flails around at parenting; you just can't always see the doubt and frustration in moms and dads, but it's there. Anything to make the process a little easier is a good and welcomed thing, yes? And anyway, I am Of The Internet so it's much easier hearing this stuff from me than your mother-in-law or sister or best friend or random soccer mom. OK...LET'S PARENT!!!

1. Your infant is tiny, helpless, and adorable. BUT DON'T SHARE YOUR BED WITH IT! Oh, I know...proponents of Attachment Parenting will say that that Family Bed is a bonding experience like no other, and they are correct. If you like the idea of sharing your bed with an infant...who grows into a squirming, kicking toddler...who grows into a preschooler who will routinely pee in your bed during potty training...who grows into an elementary school child who cannot and will not fall asleep in their own bed and has almost completely ruined any adult privacy or decent sleep you once had, BOND AWAY, parents. If you need further reasons, there are more. Learning to fall asleep on their own and to self-soothe is the first great personal accomplishment of babies; when you keep them dependent on you for that, you take away a piece of their necessary development that has to occur at some point. Also, there are too many tragic cases of infants being accidentally crushed or smothered by a co-sleeping parent. Be safe, and let Lil' Cutie rest in a secure, separate place.

2. Pacifiers are OK. Do I like pacifiers? No, they are kind of dippy-looking and they are always getting full of dog hair and are kinda gross in general. However, they serve an emotional purpose for many babies and toddlers, helping them soothe and control their emotions when you can't do squat to help. With each of the three kids, getting rid of them was a piece of cake: when it was time to transition from a crib to a "big kid bed," the deal was that the passies had to go to get that cool-ass bed. All of them were so stoked about the bed thing, they eagerly agreed with this, and we made up a "passie package" with all the old mouth-stoppers to "send to new babies who need them." WORKS.

3. Boundaries! SET THEM! It is a complete myth that children desire absolute freedom from rules, no matter how old the kid is, no matter how hard they cry or complain or tell you that you are mean. What they cannot articulate to you is that they desperately need rules in order to have the structure and order they need to be emotionally and physically healthy. You are SO not doing your kids any favors to let them run your household, because someday that Prince or Princess will get their chain yanked by REAL LIFE and might not even understand WHY the world doesn't treat them like they are golden gods. So, what are some good boundaries? Treating people with respect overall, but especially parents, grandparents, and teachers. Hierarchies in life are real things, and poor manners can end up costing you a whole lot. Also, I cannot tell you how many parents I know that fret about their little kids staying up until 11PM or midnight. Um, NO. Kids need a certain amount of sleep. Look it up, and adjust their bedtimes according to when they must get up in the morning for school or day care. Your kids will deal just fine as long as you make it a non-negotiable thing. Picky eaters? As long as the child isn't puking, serve whatever you are serving for the rest of the family, with mild modifications if needed. Your child's future spouse will thank you.

4. Check yo' seff. In other words, if you want a particular quality in your child, like generosity or kindness or cheerfulness, model it consistently. If you want your child to not have a particular quality, like a hot temper or pessimism or racism, don't be an angry bitter bigot yourself. In raising your child, you have a one-shot opportunity not only to try to raise a good person, but to make yourself a better person in the process. Not easy; worth it.

5. Remember what kids want more than anything. It's not designer clothes. It's not the latest videogames or cell phones or Talking Elmo toys or glitter shoes. It's not a trip to Disneyland or a pony or even a pony ride to Disneyland. Nope, none of that. What children want most of all, what they desire more than they could ever begin to tell you in their heart of hearts, is you. You, your time, your attention, your love and acceptance. From the day your baby is born, remember this -- post it on your wall, at your desk at work, in your car, whatever you have to do to never forget it. Nothing in the world is more important than your child feeling like you care about them and want to share time with them. Sometimes this is just going to be the Very Very Boring Game Of Rolling A Hot Wheel Car Back And Forth For An Hour. Sometimes, it's being there to read a bedtime story every night (even when your child might seem "too old"). Sometimes, your child is going to need you and you can't be there, and you are going to have to say, I wish I could and I am sorry. And sometimes they will be angry and stay in their rooms and think you are dumb and uncool, but never stop reaching out.

If you keep this one thing a priority, you are always going to be doing right.

Kodak Commericial, 1960s, "Turn Around"



(Baby Mr14, 2000)

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APPARENTLY, PEOPLE IN THE PAST NEEDED A LOT OF HELP POOPING

If you pay attention you may notice that, if allowed to run long enough, any human conversation will devolve into talk of some kind of bodily function. We are enthralled by the stuff that goes into and comes out of our bodies, and are filled with lamentations should any of our normal and weird-enough-already processes go haywire. In 2013, I think we are all pretty understanding of the fact that unless you have a re-routing system, you have to go poop. If you have trouble pooping, you should: increase your level of physical exercise, drink plenty of water, and eat lots of whole grains, fruits, and vegetables. Simple, huh? Well, not so simple for Peoples Of The Past! Constipation was actually a much bigger problem then, as the population moved from primarily agricultural (with the attendant emphasis on hard physical work and the eating of whole foods), to primarily urban industrial/consumer, where physical exertion was replaced by desk jobs and TV watching, and commercially-processed foods slowed the gut down to a stop. They hadn't yet Got Back To Nature, so looked to other medical solutions. That's my theory, anyway, and I think it's pretty good crap.

Today, I bring you some vintage ads taking you back to the amazing world of LAXATIVES! I am just old enough to once have been given a HIDEOUS dose of castor oil in my childhood, which so scarred me I can still remember it in fine detail. I actually cried because my FEELINGS were hurt that my mother would choose to make me ingest something that tasted so BAD. Needless to say, I would have rather had poop back up out my ears than swallow that bilge again. But the regular (pun) dosing with castor oil and other laxative agents used to be considered normal and positive for overall health for both kids and adults. Really, I think I'd just rather eat some granola and apples.

Dang! Look at the scary doctor! He's all, DON'T! (You can click on the ads to enlarge, should you want to read the excellent ad texts.)

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THE VALUE OF THE IMAGINARY CONVERSATION

I'd like to decisively reclaim something that actor Clint Eastwood took from us all. As you might wincingly recall, during the 2012 Republican Convention Eastwood spent his precious time in the national political spotlight having an imaginary conversation with President Obama, addressing an empty chair to his left. The only good thing about this bizarre spectacle is that it may have actually sent votes to Obama and away from Mitt Romney, a good thing to appreciate on this Inauguration Day 2013. But let me get back to my point, although I did really enjoy making that one. The imaginary conversation is something that can have great benefits to us all, and I would like to state my case for babbling aloud to yourself.

I like to check in with myself on a regular basis -- you know, just seeing that all systems are running well and heading toward blissful stasis, and that there's nothing rattling around in there that's bugging me. This includes any unresolved or conflicted emotional issues. I'm a big, big fan of effective venting of concerns or needs -- tamping down, repressing, withdrawing, or ignoring is not for me. Far too Catholic, and causes disease; noooo, thank you. But venting has its problems as well. Yelling and screaming, passive-aggressive neglect or poking, blow-out blind drunkenness, over-confession -- all of these generally just add to your problems, not relieve them. Being able to discuss your feelings directly with whomever is involved is ideal, certainly, but it's sometimes just not possible. There can be too much distance to cross, whether physical or emotional, at least at that moment. There can be too much distance to cross, period, if you need to talk with someone who has died or your god or gods.

So every so often, I actually do speak a conversation I wish I could have but cannot, with no one else except maybe the dog to hear it. One-sided, though; I don't speak or even think any possible responses. Doing this venting exercise within my head is not as satisfying, nor is writing it down. Speaking aloud organizes the thoughts in a totally different way: silent speech can tend to veer or disappear and dissolve the value, while writing tends to be more careful, constructed, and erasable. When you speak your thoughts aloud, they tend to come more from the heart and are less censored; they provide a better vent, if at times a bit more inelegant or choppy.

Sometimes I am angry; I lift my head to the sky and rail against whatever injustice is pressing on my brain. Sometimes -- most times -- I speak barely above a whisper, just loud enough to hear myself, trying not to wake anyone late at night. Sometimes I am overwhelmed and cry while I keep trying to keep the words flowing out; sometimes I smile to myself, having completed my little task, knowing it must look very strange (to the dog, anyway), but feeling better than I did before.

I don't think this is an uncommon thing to do, but I also think that there are many of you that have not once held an imaginary conversation, too self-conscious to speak when there is no one there to hear you. Again, it's not a substitute for a genuine one-on-one with the person you should talk to, but life is complex and we aren't always able to do things as they should be done. In the meantime, self-speech can relieve some of the conflict and pressure you may feel, help you to put words to amorphous feelings, and perhaps settle in a better emotional place. Just saying how you feel is so powerful...even with only the dog to hear, in whispers.

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