Dear Miss Victoria:

I graduated college about a year ago, but I can't find a job and I'm broke. All my friends keep asking me to go out and party, but I don't even have enough cash to buy a couple of PBR's and bus fare back from the clubs. I'm worried that pretty soon they will give up asking me to hang with them at all. I feel like such a loser!


Chad R.

My dear Mr. R.:

It is my assumption that in your ownership of the ink, paper, and postal carrier subscription required to compose and deliver this message to my desk, you must surely be in residence with your mother and father yet, and they are of ample means to continue your lodging expenses. Perhaps if you invite them into the parlour after a meal one evening, you might delicately explain your disagreeable social predicament and inquire as to their willingness to facilitate a gathering for you and your associates. An evening of phonograph music, poetry exposition, and light discussion would be welcomed by all! My best wishes to you in your ongoing search for gainful employment!


Miss Victoria


Hey Vicki:

I'm having this problem with my best friend, Amber. Whenever we go out to eat, she always takes food from my plate, sips from my drink, and ends up with half MY order in HER stomach and then wants to split the bill evenly! I don't eat HER crap! I'm getting really, really pissed off but she's super-sensitive and I don't want to hurt her feelings by telling her to knock it off. What should I do?

Still hungry,

Ashley W.

My dear Miss W.:

Horrors! Are you and Miss Amber ignorant of the debilitating tuberculosis epidemic that has arrested our city? You must insist in the most vigorous manner that such swapping of mouth fluids must be halted at once! A fragile emotional constitution must not be coddled in light of this menace!

With sincere hopes for your continued good health,

Miss Victoria


Slick Vick! 'Sup?:

I mean, like, what's the friggin' point of everything? Why bother? Shit's getting real with climate, everyone is poor except for a couple of old white dudes, and everything is SO ANNOYING!!! I feel like just bustin' out and doing whatever the hell I wanna do, 'cause, like, YOLO, right? 

Whatever, man,

Anthony G.

My dear Mr. G.:

In my gentle experience, I have considered that the most disaffected of youth have within them the most salubrious seeds of renewal, should they be cultivated. I suggest to you that you nurture these seeds in a spirit of sincerity and hope, as to avoid the disaffected lifestyle of the beak-hunter, bit-faker, tooler, moocher, speeler, dollymop, lag, broadsman, Shivering Jemmy, smasher, lurker, lush, or screever! Indeed, I concur that Your Own Loving Ostrich may assist you in this peaceful endeavor of change.

Kind regards,

Miss Victoria