Spending a few days in the L.A.nd of the See and Be Seen got me thinking about what makes up Los Angeles Cool from when I first stayed there in 1983 to what it is now. It is remarkably the same. Broadly- and incompletely-painted, we have:

Sunny Money: High-end black or silver German sedan or immaculate purring Italian sports car. Overdressed with perfect hair and makeup, and many accessories at all times, even to make a run to the Rite-Aid. Watch that costs as much as Rite-Aid clerk’s salary. Too rich to smile or sweat. Never not taking an important call. Shops at tiny famous stores that have security guards wearing suits that cost more that the monthly salary of the Rite-Aid clerk. Gated driveway and/or comprehensive home security system. Spray tan and trainer body. Seemingly in invisible plastic bubble at all times. Wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire, unless there were an exclusive and profitable licensing/merch deal in the process.

Artster: So self-consciously unique and individual as to be utterly recognizable: select vintage clothing picks paired with ironic t-shirts or hats, indifferent or retro hair, liberal use of the color black without going over to the uncoolness of the suburban goth, amusing shoes, ready to smirk at all times. Shops at stores that sell the above clothing plus outsider art, kitsch, Japanese toys, peculiar candies, funny sexual aids, horror movie props, or books about the above. Probably makes less than the Rite-Aid clerk, or pretends to. Drives parents’ old car (as long as it’s not from Sunny Money), or an intentionally snarky vintagemobile like the AMC Pacer, a 50’-long early-‘70s convertible, VW van, ‘60s Vespa, or refurbished hearse. Looks tired, pale, and messy enough to let you know they were up all night doing cool stuff. If at all fit, it is unintentional. Would piss on you if you were on fire, so they could make a viral YouTube video about it.

The Guy In A Tiny Little Car With Big Tires Or A Huge Truck With Big Tires Playing Boom Boom Music And The Girls Who Like Them: Are never not driving and blasting music. Are never not hoping someone takes notice of said activity. Would piss on you if you were on fire, have a giggling friend take a picture of it, and then paste it in the back window of their vehicle.

Crazy: Talks to self in different levels of agitation. Would piss on you, fire or no fire.

I think that covers it all OK.

I’m going to suggest some changes now for these categories, as I feel an update is long overdue and trends might as well originate from Diarrhea Island as anywhere. Nothing is really new, but why not throw a bunch of crap in the Trendblender and give it a try, Los Angeles? You may GET NOTICED FOR YOUR ADVANCED COOL, and this is what L.A. is all about.

Sunny Money 2010: Drive a small Japanese pickup truck that you can put your garden staff in for little gratis coffee runs or Army surplus tank. Think about living in a high-rise in Downtown L.A. and use the Metro and pretend you are in New York City when the weather is bad. Use only ONE accessory per outfit, but make sure it is one-of-a-kind, preferably designed for you by an Artster or indigenous person. Do your daily jogs in 6” Choos. Befriend a middle-class shlub from the Valley as a character-building experience, and piss on him or her if on fire.

Artster 2010: Walk more. Throw out 50% of your black clothes. Drive SmartCars in neon colors with booming stereos playing Bon Iver or Sigur Ros. Men: start a “Dragnet” trend, with ill-fitting, very plain off-the-rack suits, white shirts, dull ties and sensible shoes, and carefully controlled hair. Never smirk. Hang out at Red Lobster, the Olive Garden, or Home Depot. Women: Swirling body paint instead of tattoos. Braids, very tall ratted up-dos, bangs cut by a 6-year-old, religious-cult overly-long hair, or 20 small pigtails. Re-visit ‘70s sleazewear like side-lace velvet hiphuggers, visible pasties with tassels, red see-through babydoll nighties with jeans and Stan Smith white tennis shoes, and bright blue eyeshadow and nude lipstick. Hang out at Wal-Mart, psychic readers, or hot dog street carts. Try not taking your phone everywhere, or use one of the big old clunky ones. Go to the beach and get some Vitamin D and piss on a out-of-control beach fire.

The Guy In A Tiny Little Car With Big Tires Or A Huge Truck With Big Tires Playing Boom Boom Music And The Girls Who Like Them 2010: Earbuds and iPod and a Subaru Forester. Read books at home and take swing dancing lessons. Piss in your own toilet at home.

Crazy 2010: Seek out appropriate social services and meds until someone listens. Diapers are OK.

Give it a shot and let me know how it goes, Los Angeles. I love you all.