I don’t blame Billboard. They are statisticians, gatherers of all music-related info, primarily related to music sales. It’s pretty dry material, music charts, so sometimes they have to poke someone in the office and say, “Hey! Do something with all this junk we have in the vaults! Write a fluff piece that will draw traffic!” Hence this article, “The 50 Sexiest Songs Of All Time.” Billboard’s take on this is a list of the top-selling songs about sex. Ohhhh, I get it…these are the sexiest songs for Ebenezer Scrooge or Allen Klein. Mmmm…money. Let’s check out the Top Ten from my non-banker/accountant/lawyer/manager perspective.

10. “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?” – Rod Stewart: As sexy as a used condom on a park bench. Vile. Rod went Hollywood disco and never recovered his Faces-era rock cred. Do I think some preening feather-and-glitter spandexed rooster is appealing? No, no, I do not. Next.

9. “Kiss You All Over” – Exile: What? This bland ‘70s borefest couldn’t keep anyone awake past a wink.

8. “Like A Virgin” – Madonna: I saw this as both comedy and horror when it came out. Thanks, Madonna, for setting back the image of modern women a good 20 years or so. Go roll around in a dung heap, you stringy bat.

7. “Do That To Me One More Time” – The Captain and Tennille: This was really uncomfortable to listen to, knowing the balding Cap and his gushing Toni were actually married. TOO MUCH INFORMATION. But what can you expect from the couple that did “Muskrat Love?” Ponderous.

6. “Hot Stuff” – Donna Summer: Hot stuff baby hot stuff baby hot hot hot stuff stuff stuff gimme gimme gimme…there, I summed it up for you. Just because you SAY it doesn’t make it SO. Bleah.

5. “Let’s Get It On” – Marvin Gaye: Now here we have the superb Marvin Gaye, who actually had a very sexy voice and persona, but has anyone actually ever said “let’s get it on” to anyone, even in 1973? It’s very Ladies’ Man, and therefore not so sexy as quaintly dated.

4. “Too Close” – Next: Who? I don’t know this song because I was busy at the time with a month-old infant, which is not at all sexy. But I don’t want to know this song for the same reason I don’t want some dude pressing up to me on a train – I don’t need to know about some random erection. Keep it in your pants and off my radio.

3. “I’ll Make Love To You” – Boyz II Men: It just makes me think of some pseudo-smooth guy who sweet-talks his way into bed, then lets out a ripping fart when he’s done and leaves.

2. “Tonight’s The Night” – Rod Stewart: Argh…another Rod that should have stiffed, chart-wise anyway. This disturbing ballad, apparently suited for pedophiles, bothered me then, bothers me now. “Spread your wings and let me come inside…my virgin child??” Jesus. What a master of subtlety. Vile PLUS.

1.”Physical” – Olivia Newton-John: All I think here is a very pretty and squeaky-clean woman and headbands and legwarmers. That’s about as sexy as the computer-voiced Directory Assistance woman reading an article from Cosmopolitan.

So, what is actually sexy music? You know the answer: it’s different for everyone. Someone’s Bolero is another man’s Sousa. What is never sexy is fake sexy, like all of the above songs. Being crass isn’t sexy; it gets attention and gets sales, but sexy? Nah. Something really sexy is some kind of individual connection to a song that provokes a strong, real romantic emotion. Otherwise, just watch this animation of car pistons with a German voice-over.