Hey, SUCKAS! Let us identify a Captain Obvious moment here. It seems necessary.

The “News” Item: Paula Abdul Not Returning To American Idol This Season: (You can read about it here or, more amusingly, here or most amusingly, don’t read about it at all)

The Entire Point Of The “News” Item
: Hold on. Wait for it. Are you ready? Are you sure you are ready? Go ahead and grab a donut and a cup of coffee, I will wait.


The entire point of all this brouhaha is to BRING MEDIA AND VIEWER ATTENTION BACK TO A TIRED TELEVISION FRANCHISE. Please do not imagine that it is anything else. If you do, may I also offer you a blankie and a FUCKING UNICORN WITH A DIAMOND-STUDDED SADDLE? You can pick it all up from my backyard called “The Bill Gates Estate.”

Our dimwitted, drugged-out, and weirdly-implanted pal Paula may or may not be in on the game, although I would suspect that she is indeed moving this scam along. Let us deconstruct the process, for those of you reading Diarrhea Island who are Amish.

Problem: American Idol has become increasingly predictable, boring, and even-more monetarily-crass over the years. Buzz is fading fast. Buzz must be made.

: Paula Abdul. A polarizing presence on the show -- people either think she is the sweetest, kindest thing ever or dimwitted, drugged-out, and weirdly-implanted – she is probably the only judge anyone could possibly care about if they were to leave. Anyone being the Amish, who aren’t even supposed to watch TV. Think about it: Kara DioGuardi is a one-season narcissist bitch, Randy Jackson is so bereft of expository speech ability that all he can repeat to the contestants is DAWG! and IT WAS JUST AIIGHT FOR ME, and Simon Cowell could easily be replaced in the hearts of the American television audience with a remote-controlled whoopee cushion. So Paula is the one to pick to get any level of care on this shit-stir.

Solution: Cut the aging and talent-free kewpie doll from the show’s judging panel, thereby ensuring crying Amish and everyone’s eyes – including show haters -- back on the show to see what will HAPPEN NOW. Leave juussst enough production time for Abdul fans to set up a BRING BACK OUR PAULA! campaign, or for Abdul’s manager to decide to accept the shittier contract on her behalf, bringing her back to the show midway into the show to EVEN MORE ATTENTION. Even if she is genuinely and permanently fired, people will watch to see what is said, who might replace her (a Teddy Ruxpin bear?) and write all about it for the next several months.

‘K? ‘K.

I will take this opportunity to repost one of my videos here. Jimmy Page knows how to take care of the American Idol folks. Heh.