I am woman. I don’t roar, but I yell and bitch at times. Anyway, I am a woman and I like girly stuff. I also like boyly stuff but that isn’t what I am going to talk about today. I am going to talk about women and their faces and the stuff we do to our faces because we are women. Not all women put stuff on their faces, especially up here in granola-land – seems about 50/50. And I am good with any women not wanting to spend a bunch of money and time and effort on makeup and products – there are definitely more things to do in life than that. On the other side, there are the Beauty Super-Consumers, who spend thousands of dollars a year trying to find the perfect mask and mask-support. There is no doubt that some artfully-chosen-and-applied products can turn a plain Jane into pretty, and it is nice to feel pretty sometimes. Yes, even you Madonna, even you. In any case, it is rather fun to play with, and stimulates the economy and maybe some other things, if you get my heavy-handed drift.

Anyway, I probably fall more to the side of the Beauty Super-Consumer than not, although I try very hard not to spend all THAT much on deliciously-named products that are shiny and full of promises. I don’t know all that much about makeup and stuff, but I do know just a few good rules and recommendations that actually seem to work, so on this cloudy Saturday I will pass them along to you, ladies. Male readers can just log off now. Unless you are Adam Lambert, to whom I would say to lighten up on the eyeliner and the wretched wailing. Heh. Here we go.

1. The entire point to makeup, in my humble opinion, is to look like you are not really wearing it, or much of it. Caking on a bunch of pore-choking layers and big colors is just not flattering – you look like the Phantom of the Opera or Bette Davis in Whatever Happened To Baby Jane. Now, if you are going out to some super nightclub dancing or some such activity, glam it up. But for the purposes of this rambling post, let’s just say, daytime, regular life, and NOT a rock star. Use a light touch, not a friggin’ trowel. Try out some of the mineral powder makeups – they build nicely, treat the skin well, and they don’t settle into creases or fade as much as liquid foundations. If you have skin in good condition, try a light bronzer instead of a foundation. If you are dead, congrats for logging in and load up on the blush.

2. Think Pink. A light pure pink is universally-flattering. Not so for red or coral shades, which can make your teeth look as yellow as Francis the Mule's, or your skin muddy-looking. Pink makes a purdy mouth, and don’t skip the pink blush either. A little bit can make a huge difference in making you look healthy and all full of life, even if you are chronically sleep-deprived like me and/or a Couch Turd. Secret: a little poof of blush across the forehead and the nose makes it appear that you have had enough free time to visit The Sun.

3. Second Secret: your skin is in worse shape than you think. It doesn’t take long before the evil effects of said Sun, environmental toxins, your crappy diet, acne, and frowning at acne accumulate, and your once baby-smooth skin now looks mottled and lunar-module-ready. Four answers: SUNSCREEN SUNSCREEN SUNSCREEN and peels/products with glycolic acid. Obviously, unless you enjoy flirting with Mr. Cancer, sunscreen should be your first line of defense to combat further damage. I don’t care if it’s cloudy either. Put it on, or at least make sure one of your daily routine products has some in it. Glycolic acid products can actually reverse some skin damage and discoloration, and may also prevent some kinds of skin cancer. See your dermatologist for a pro peel, microdermabrasion, or laser light treatments – don’t try battery acid, a belt sander, or a nuclear explosion at home or anything. That would be bad.

4. Pick an area of focus to the face for emphasis, just ONE. If you have luscious lips, put more color and gloss there. If you have beautiful eyes, double the mascara and pick shadow colors that compliment your eye color, NOT YOUR CLOTHES. If you have the high cheekbones of an Egyptian princess, play them up and leave your mouth and eyes more subdued. Don’t tell me you have no good features, even if you don’t. Pick one and do what I said. If you have lots of good features, rotate emphasis at your whim. I hate you. Ha ha, not really. Ha.

5. And then we come to neurotoxic injectables and collagen fillers, i.e., Botox, Radiesse, Juvaderm, etc. Did you have any idea HOW POPULAR this stuff is, and not just with the older crowd? Err buddy doin’ it. Well, not ERR err buddy, but millions of folks, fueling a multi-billion dollar industry. Here is how I feel about all that: if you want to, fine, but FOR GOD’S SAKE, GO EASY. Find someone to do the work who is experienced, can listen effectively to what you are hoping to achieve, and ask to see some before and after shots of their patients – lots of them. It is way too easy to go overboard with this stuff, and end up looking frozen, unnatural, or like a lion. Current buzz thought on non-surgical injectables is using them not only for wrinkle removal, but wrinkle prevention: if you can’t make the wrinkles to begin with because you can’t move those muscles, well, no wrinkles. If you are going to go down this road, get informed and be careful. You still want to look like lovely YOU, after all, no matter what.

In concise visual summation, GOOD:


And that is all I know on this cloudy, makeup-free Saturday.