CNN came up with a helpful little article today for dumbasses. It’s mainly intended for male freshmen college students and other slow adults, letting them know a few rules about WHEN FOOD GOES BAD. You would think that a living being who has spent 18+ years consuming food every few hours every single day would already know this, but apparently this is not the case. Granted, I am not a nutritionist, chef, doctor, food service worker, farmer, nor dietician. I am REAL PERSON who gets SICK REAL DAMN EASY from spoiled food, so I KNOW what’s what here. Let’s see if I agree with the article.

1. Can I cut the mold off the bread/cheese and eat the rest?

They say toss the bread, soft cheese and yogurt, and maybe salvage the hard cheese. I pretty much agree with this, although I have successfully saved some good hamburger buns from the same package as a bad one. You could take one of those buns and put the hard cheese remnants inside, after you cut out the green spots of course, and you’ve got yourself a lunch.

2. Do dry packaged foods like ramen or boxed macaroni and cheese last forever?

Yes. Just let’s say yes. Forever and ever and ever, long past your death and your kids' and their kids' until nothing is left on earth but one spoiled Yoplait Mixed Berry yogurt in a grade-schooler’s abandoned backpack.

3. The pizza from last night has been sitting out on the counter. Can I eat it for breakfast?

Of course! This is one of the all-time great breakfast foods! Chow down! The USDA are a bunch timid old ladies with pee panties, don’t listen to them!

4. Should I drink milk after its use-by date? What about eggs?

I agree here with the pee-pantied: drink and eat up until it smells “off.” HOWEVER, do NOT get in the incredibly-annoying habit of sniffing milk EVERY SINGLE TIME you take it out of the refrigerator. Someone will call you Milk Baby or Dairy Fairy, you will get into a fist fight, go to jail, and everyone will laugh at you for being a chronic lactose sniffer. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Taking a swig of curdled milk is better than having hardened criminals taunt you.

5. Raw chicken always smells funny. How do I know if it's gone bad?

Now let’s get something straight here: meat doesn’t go bad, it DECAYS. You are staring at a hunk of FLESH with some plastic and Styrofoam around it. It is a piece of a DEAD ANIMAL. In the Circle of Life, we must be very, very careful about what level of food death state we ingest. I have found, through sad sad saaaaaaad experience, that it is most optimal to eat your dead pal the day you bring it home from the grocery store. Either that, or consume only enormously-processed meat, like tins of tuna or beef jerky. You can’t eat anything more dead than a strip of beef jerky.

6. Should I drink the water after the expiration date has passed on the bottle?

If you have to ask, you damn sure shouldn’t be in college.

The Europeans and homeless have it right: shop daily for fresh meals if you can and you will lessen your chances of spending a couple of very unpleasant days sitting on the toilet while lolling your head over a wastebasket. Also, it takes a long time for beer to go bad but if you drink too much of it you will end up at the toilet/wastebasket station, in jail with the Milk Baby, or dead like the stinking chicken breasts from Albertson’s.

Start packing some jerky, kiddies. College is coming right on up.