SPAM POEMS 8: NOW WITH ANIMATION!

Oh boy! This time, the latest blog comment Spam Poem is read and performed for you in a lovely British accent, courtesy YouTube and xtranormal. This pleases me immensely.

*********************************************

It occupied coyly coming translucent and you did to twitch us find the toward she would demote she, but calvin.
The seksy watches stood been chub.
He would be he know maybe over the filthy band.

Leading never, knowingly felt aware with the thud to turn for no boccia watches.
And replica is to the who crank.
And i despise he.
Even.

They sneak stepped with replica watches. 
His raymond look funny.
She could tell you hope him down.
 
Or there faltered the previous replica as the tod in the loafers at they wound. 
The chilly buy took at it.
Then that western replica - pistol it had here than a blood on the jaw, got a cash, and needed not down.
The gucci, after you didn't released out a lady, watches menacingly on a unconvinced fuel over a grass.
Anne told i to understand her klein.

Her flashed up off the uneven.
Sophie happened the watches complication to think that field of firing - found truck.
Nine in an biggest, the would already be personalized.

Spam Poems 8



WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH, AS NOT PHOTOGRAPHED BY ME

An opportunity came by me today which provoked some rather conflicting thoughts, so rather than spin them around silently in my fine Kenmore dryer of a mind, I'll share them with you. I am fortunate enough to freelance for a few different sites, one of which is Seattle Weekly. I haven't been able to do very much for them yet, because the freelance ops are usually snapped up by others by the time I see them, or the logistics of the events don't work out with my suburban-family-life schedule. Today, though, a photo gig came up via SW for this weekend that I could attend. I was ready to pounce on it...and then, I hesitated. It was more than just a gig, to me, anyway. I had to think this through.

I've written on here before exactly what I think of the Westboro Baptist Church, and I'd like to believe that most folks in our country would find them and their vile protests reprehensible on the most basic human level. The WBC, which could also stand for "We Believe Crap," or "Weasel Bitch Cowards," or perhaps "Watery Bowel Clenchers," is making a trip to Seattle to bring their anti-everything beliefs to a gay pride family-oriented picnic. Seattle Weekly wants to have a photographer there to cover it.

My first instinct was to take the job. The conflict between the LGBT picnickers and the WBC will make for excellent photographs -- "visually rich," you could say, and a lot of people will view them. The WBC will be vastly outnumbered by the likely-very-angry gay and angry-not-gay people that they loathe so much, and by the police that will be there to protect their right to free speech. The Supreme Court, in an 8-1 decision this year, found for the WBC, which means their hate spewing can and will continue unabated.

It's here where I hit a wall. I have very strong feelings about the sanctity of free speech, and just as strong are my feelings against people whose sole purpose is to cause terrible misery and pain, and whose "non-violent" vitriol without a doubt contributes to real violence against their victims elsewhere. I appreciate immensely the powerful role photojournalists have in producing images that tell a story, even if the story is painful. I also have a problem with our nation's seemingly-insatiable desire to rubberneck at the ugliest, loudest, creepiest creeps out there.

Professionally, it's a superb opportunity. But, personally...photographing the WBC goes against my own little set of ethics just a little too much, and that is in no way saying that the person who took the job is wrong to do it. Not at all. There isn't a right or wrong here. I just had to spend a minute or so imagining myself at the picnic, while people screamed at people, or jeered at them, and my job would be to get in there, and say nothing. Click click click. Say nothing. I think it would hurt my stomach and my brain.

I just don't want to be the one who gives the WBC one more shred of publicity, because that is what they desire the most. The highest court in the land already said their message is good to go, but I'm not going to spread it. Even if there were one million people protesting against their handful of haters, even one pixel spent on creating an image that shares the WBC filth...no. I can't feed the trolls. Their story has already been told many times. It's too sad for me to repeat. I don't even really like writing about them again here! But I feel more settled now.

What I am going to do, since I will not be there on Sunday to do so, is make a modest donation to FoodLifeline, the organization Pride Picnic has selected to help out through the general entry fee to the picnic. Westboro won in the courts, and gets to rub their feces in our eyes and ears as long as we pay attention to them. I'm going to do my best to ignore them, and since the law won't shut them up, I think making a financial donation to something they don't like makes up a bit for my mentioning them here.  I credit comedienne Lisa Lampenelli for her inspiration here.























Peace.

ERECTED: A STATUE IN HONOR OF ANTHONY WEINER & THE MIRROR SELF-PIC

Well, somebody had to do it.

MY DAY IN HAIKUS

KABLAM! explosion
7AM this morning
Oh! A transformer.

Again, hot water
Is almost gone, I shower
And shiver, damn kids.

Thank you for painting
My nails, "Becky," although I
Think that's not your name.

Rite-Aid Employee!
You were too friendly to me
Your motives are suspect.

Size seven jeans were
Too big, size nine too small so
Get bent, TJ Maxx.

I forgot I drove
To sushi, and drank sake
Had to get a ride.

I AM AN INTERNET BACON INFLUENCER!


How about THAT? Who knew! OK, let me explain, because I'm just going to make the assumption here that you have no idea what an "internet bacon influencer" might be, as I also didn't up until this morning. The lovely and talented Brittney Bush Bollay (who was, btw, the first Seattle rock photographer who came across my radar when I moved here) Tweeted this to me today: "@mariannesp Will be happy to know she is influential about bacon." Upon further investigation, I found out that this information came from Klout: (from Wiki)


"Klout is a San Francisco based company that provides social media analytics that measures a users influence across their social network. The analysis is done on data collected from sites such as Twitter and Facebook and measures the size of a person's network, the content created, and how other people interact with that content. Klout measures influence by using data points from Twitter, such as: following count, follower count, retweets, list memberships, how many spam/dead accounts are following you, how influential the people that retweet you are, and unique mentions. This information is blended with Facebook data such as comment, likes, and the number of friends in your network to come up with a "Klout Score" that measures a user's online influence."

So I had to check out what Brittney had seen. IT'S TRUE!



Well, this is quite the responsibility, I feel. All of bacon-dom is counting on me to represent fried strips of pig to my best ability. Little did I know that someday I could tell my children that the Internet -- THE INTERNET!!! - figured out that people were listening to my opinions about bacon, even more than they listen to me about Wisconsin politics. I'm practically glowing with greasy pride.

Did you realize that bacon has become kind of a "thing?" People Like Bacon, A Lot. Proof of Baconmania can be seen at the extremely-fabulous Archie McPhee store, located in Seattle, coincidentally. Look at all that! I've actually tried the bacon mints, which tasted like liquid smoke and soap. I guess the next step is for me to get a Bacon outfit.

























Since I've got your Baconattention, I'd like to tell you my favorite thing to eat with bacon: The Peanut-Butter-And-Bacon Sandwich. If you think this sounds awful, GET OUT. It's amaaaaaazzing. Here's how to make it:

Ingredients:

2-4 slices bacon cooked crispy, drained
2 slices good quality hearty wheat or multi-grain bread
Sliced bananas, honey, jam (optional)
Peanut butter (I like Skippy Chunky)

Put bread in toaster. Toast bread. Put bread on plate. Take a knife and smear some peanut butter on the
bread (be careful, it will be melty and messy). Add banana slices or honey or jam or ALL if you like.
Place bacon strips on top of peanut butter and close up the sandwich. EAT THE HELL OUT OF IT.





















OK, I'm gonna fess up. I know how Klout came up with their "bacon influencer" thing for me. It's as simple and stupid as this: I got in on some conversations with some Twitter friends about bacon and got on a retweet-stuff-about-bacon list. That's it. That's the entire extent of the meaning behind it. You can apply metrics to almost anything, but that doesn't make them meaningful. I couldn't influence anyone on Twitter to let out a popcorn fart, much less anything to do with bacon (or politics, for that matter).

This is just as well, for even though I like bacon and usually have it and veggie bacon in my house, I don't eat it very much. It's too greasy for me and upsets my stomach. Yet, Klout, your silliness made my day and I will be looking into getting an "Official Klout-Certified Internet Bacon Influencer" t-shirt made up. That idea makes me practically squeal with delight.

THE PARKING LOT

“Welcome to McDonald’s! What can I get for you this morning?” The chipper young female voice crackled through the tinny drive-through speaker, as Jim shifted his weight in the van’s driver seat, and leaned slightly towards his opened window.

“Four-Egga-Muffins-large-black-coffee.” It was the same thing he ordered every morning here, 5 days a week, 12 months a year, for three years now. He waited for the question that also came every morning.

“Cream and sugar for your coffee?”

“No. Black.”

A pause. Another crackle.  “$8.82 at the second window, please!”

Jim paid for his breakfast with a ten-dollar bill, tossed the change on the passenger seat with the bag of sandwiches, and sipped gingerly at his still-too-hot coffee. He pulled the van into the same open parking space in the strip mall lot facing the street, across from “Big Mama Cash” Pawn Shop, Nails For You, Battery World, and Happi Teriyaki. He opened the waxy yellow paper of the first Egg McMuffin and used it to hold on to the sandwich as he ate, listened to talk radio, and looked over his schedule for the day. Three years now he’d been working for Dan’s Cleanest Carpets. Later on in the day, he could be sure, he would be telling a frazzled mother that yes, of course, he could get the cat piss or the smoke smell out, which were lies. He’d accept a can of beer from an old guy with rust-colored shag laid down in the ‘70s, and overcharge him $30 for “spot removal.” He’d tell the man in the fancy McMansion that his carpets would be completely dry in a day, another lie. But he’d smile widely, shake their hands with both of his, thank them for their business because, as it said on the side of the van,  “We (heart) our customers! Since 1998!”

“Ohhhh, yesssss, 7:14AM,” Jim thought as he glanced up to the sidewalk to the attractive 30-ish Indian woman jogging by slowly, as she did every morning at this time, five days a week most weeks of the year, for three years. “Man, what I would do to that body!” he mused in his mind, as he opened the last sandwich. “Bitch is smokin’ hot.”

********************************************
Rishima felt a sharp twinge in her left foot, cringed, but kept moving. Her podiatrist had long warned her that she needed to take a break from her relentless morning running schedule. Repeated stress fractures were unable to heal, he said, unless she stopped. Already her feet were showing signs of osteoarthritis – they ached all the time, even worse pain when she wore heels. She’d nod her head at her doctor, apologize profusely, ask for more pain meds and cortisone shots, swear she’d look into swimming as an exercise replacement. He’d frown, shake his head, give her the meds and shots anyway. Rishima never mentioned to him that she couldn’t stop running, any more than she could stop eating only salad and yogurt, stop taking five or six scalding hot showers a day, or stop herself firing housekeeper after housekeeper because the house was never clean enough.

She made a quick glance to her right at the white van. That creepy fat guy with the combover always stared at her while she ran past, and he always was eating something from the McDonald’s. “Disgusting,” she thought, every time.

A few jogged steps further down the sidewalk was another vehicle that always seemed to be in the parking lot, Rishima noted – a beat-up pickup truck with a listing, yellowed cab on the back. She suspected a migrant family was living in it, and reminded herself to be sure to phone the local police about it when she got home, after she showered.

*********************************************
The truck was filled with clothes, food and food wrappers, a box of diapers, tools, maps, blankets, and a portable radio. The truck radio had stopped working long ago. Listening to the Spanish-language news station in the front seat, Luis heard the baby starting to rustle in the back, where she had been sleeping next to his wife and 3-year-old daughter in the truck bed. They had been living in the parking lot for two months now, after coming north. The job Luis had been promised by his cousin Carlos had fallen through – too many eyes on the business, he said, since the new immigration law was passed.

He’d walk over to the Home Depot again today to try to get day jobs, but the cops were cruising by more and more. The truck had only a few miles of gas left in the tank, preciously saved for an emergency. Inez and the girls would walk over later to the community center to wash up, but there were eyes there, too.

Luis heard the light tapping on his window, as he had heard five mornings a week for nearly every day of the two months they had been living in the parking lot. “Ashley B.,” read the teenage girl’s McDonald’s name tag. The sharp early morning sunshine made her squint her eyes. She was always smiling, Luis noticed,  such a happy girl. As he rolled down the window, once again Ashley B. handed him two large bags of McDonald’s breakfast food, one filled with little bottles of milk for the girls that would last the day.

“Gracias, mi angel! Dios te bendiga,” Luis whispered to his young benefactor.

“No problem!” Ashley B. smiled, and returned to work.

***********************************************
Behind the McDonald’s by the big green dumpsters, as she took her first smoke break of the morning, Katie R. spoke to Ashley B. after watching her cross the parking lot.

“You’re going to get fired for that someday, you know.”

“No, I won’t. I’ll just have them deduct it from my check if anyone says anything about it.”

“Riiiight. I don’t think so. You’re stealing food. Instant ‘you’re history’ moment.”

“Don’t worry about it! I won’t get caught.”

“Whatever.” Katie B. took a long drag from her cigarette, flicked some ashes on the asphalt, and stepped on them, absently swiveling the bottom of her right shoe back and forth over them. “Did you see “Mr. Egga-Muffin” this morning? I swear he’s fatter and balder every week!”

The two girls giggled conspiratorially as Mr. Egga-Muffin pulled his van out onto the street, heading to the first clean of the day.



THE WORST LIVE COVER VERSION OF THE WHO'S "MY GENERATION" EVER ASSEMBLED

As the title says. The Who's "My Generation" from 1965 is an incredibly simple song which fares really well in most cover versions with the right doses of basic competence and punky attitude. In the wrong doses...well.

I only picked clips that made me laugh audibly. Lordy good god, the joy of hearing the attempts at Entwistle's bass solo! Please to enjoy! (Some NSFW/NSFK words, btw.)

The Worst Live Cover Version Of The Who's "My Generation" Ever Assembled



HELEN AND VERNA DISCUSS SARAH PALIN






GOODBYE DOLLY

Here's something I know: give any kid anywhere in the world a stick and within one minute the kid will pretend the stick is either a baby doll or a gun. It's kind of a universal law for children and imaginative play -- you either play house or blow it up. Or both. I was more a "both" sort of kid. I had a large collection of dolls and also thought cap guns were awesome. Do they sell cap guns anymore? Or caps? Even just pounding caps on the sidewalk with a hammer was fun. I can see the stress-reducing benefits for me even now with that, actually. BAM! BAM! BAM! Ahhh.

Here's something I've noticed: little girls stay little for a far shorter time than they used to, and don't play with dolls anywhere near as long or as much as they used to. This does make me a little sad, I admit. When my daughter has a playdate, it's never her dolls that come out; it's her laptop or videogames or movies or crafting stuff, or the girls go play outside. At eight, I was still fully immersed in my dolls, although I wasn't exactly doing Little Mommy. I would get them all out and create elaborate soap operas, making characters and families out of the lot of them. These "Days Of Our Lives"quality stories went on in my brain for years, and I think I was 13 when I finally put the dolls away for good. That seems to be a shocking age now, doesn't it? Sigh.

There is something so inherently introspective in the act of playing with dolls for children, no matter what kind. In the infant dolls with the chubby legs and pink cheeks, who cry when you push a button on their tummies and pee water into a tiny diaper, you see an earlier you -- the helpless but adorable baby. In the fashion dolls like the wasp-waisted, big-boobed Barbie, you see what you might be someday, some exotic womanly creature with perfect silky hair and permanently-arched feet. Sometimes you nurture the baby; sometimes you push it away, because it's just a baby and you are no baby. You painstakingly take your clumsy little kid fingers and dress Barbie in tiny detailed outfits which cost about as much as your real clothes, and find her both silly and beautiful. In the dolls, you think about your family, your life, what you know now, and you wonder how it's all going to turn out for you someday.

The day you put them away, you are realizing that you are already half-grown, and it's time to move on to the business of becoming. If pretend play is given up too soon, you are jumping ahead to things you aren't really ready for anyway. The pace and pressure of life quickens, but human development will forever have its own timetable.

Here's something that someday I know I would give a million dollars for: one more day with my daughter, aged eight, and her dolls.



FRANK SINATRA: BALLISTIC BOVINE?

Or so the person responsible for proofreading this headline might have us think.

GUEST PHOTOGRAPHER: MISS EIGHT 5

Our young Nature Girl is kicking ass with the camera. That's what I think. She'd like you to see these.









STARTING FROM (ALMOST) ZERO -- AGAIN

Long time readers of this site (from when it was charmingly known as "Diarrhea Island") may recall that a few years ago I started running and dropped a crap-ton of weight. This was nothing but good in many different ways. I regained my health and became an enthusiastic-if-not-very-speedy regular runner -- something I never could have imagined previously. After about a year, to my utter horror and despair, I injured my right foot -- a toe bone -- and had trouble even walking for a few weeks. Worse, I was told by the ER doctor that I was going to either have to live with the injury or have surgery to correct it. The surgery would have a painful, lengthy recovery -- 6-8 weeks in a boot cast -- with no guarantee of pain-free success. I was devastated that after all the effort that this happened, but in retrospect I should not have been so surprised. Starting up a rigorous exercise plan in your mid-40s is very good and doable, but I was foolish to think that at my age I wasn't more prone to injuries.

So what did I do? I stopped running. I stopped everything, waiting to find a time when I would have 6-8 weeks where I would never have to drive anywhere. HA. It never came. I didn't want to do any other kind of exercise. Running was "it" for me. I was afraid to do anything. My toe got better, but often ached. I lived with it, but not exactly how I wanted to live.

Almost two years have passed. I gained back 10 pounds, not bad considering, but not at all in the direction I need to go. I am sad that my muscle tone has gone from fairly fit to frankly flabby again. I miss the challenge of pushing just that extra little bit to go farther and faster from the last run. So today I decided, OK, enough. And I got back on the treadmill, thinking as I did when I first started, whatever you can do today is better than doing nothing at all. Let's see what happens.

And now I sit, sweaty and smelly and smiling. I did the full hour, no foot pain, no shin pain, and only 1.5 miles less than my best distance ever. I can't even believe it. I was so happy to be back on there with Wilco and the Rolling Stones and the Dandy Warhols and The Hives and Wilson Pickett in my ears, feet pounding to the beats. So happy.

I don't know what's going to happen from here. Maybe my foot will rebel again. Maybe something else will blow out. But today...today, was good.

Wilco, "Heavy Metal Drummer"



VIDEO: THE HENTCHMEN "POLISH LADY"

Once again, I find no YouTube video for a great song? I gonna MAKE one! "Polish Lady" by Michigan garage rockers the Hentchmen is one of my favorite songs that I first heard on SIRIUS radio's Underground Garage (and is also one of the songs on my iPod in my "Songs To Run And/Or Walk Quickly To" playlist). "Polish Lady" is on the album Motorvatin', which you can pick up at Amazon for a measly 8 bucks. Jack White would strongly suggest you do so.

Funny, it actually wasn't all that easy to find old Polish archival film -- blame the Cold War, I guess. Anyway, please to enjoy these lovely Polish ladies from the '40s, '60's and '70s and the coolness of the Hentchmen!

"Polish Lady," The Hentchmen

PHOTOS: PLAY FACES

Oh, what a life! From Guitar Wolf at the El Corazon last week to MissEight's 2nd/3rd Grade play last night. Japanese punk rockers, elementary thespians...it's all good.



















THE FAKE FAREWELLS OF OPRAH WINFREY

I’ve just now begun to recover from my self-induced viewing of the THREE Oprah Winfrey “farewell” specials from last week. Here is a representative graphic to give you an idea of exactly how that went for me:
















The only things inaccurate about my Photoshop there is that I don’t really have curly blonde hair, and that I actually gave TV Oprah the double bird, rather than the less-forceful single salute. Yes, I really did sit on my couch and do that, with lots of terrible swears thrown in, too. I was responsible enough to wait to watch the DVR until the kids were in bed as to not let them know any earlier in life than necessary that Mommy tells people on the television to f-off.

I. Can’t. STAND. Oprah. I avoid her show, her magazine, her pals, and anything at all she has a hand in. She boils my brain. So why did I subject myself to hours of O-prahgramming, other than an opportunity to vent all kinds of spleen? Because she’ll be back, and I ain’t talking about the Oprah Channel or whatever she’s got going in multimedia. Nope, she’ll be back, she’ll be bringing the Cult of Oprah with her, and it’s going to be for lots higher stakes than a billion-some dollars and Tom F-ing Cruise grinning like a mental case next to her. Watch.

Let’s go back to the first two of the Oprah Farewell shows, taped at Chicago’s United Center. There were so many celebrities paraded out to laud her that they simply wouldn’t fit in a single show. Here’s the summary for Part One: The aforementioned Tom Cruise. Schmoozemeister Tom Hanks. A child opera singer who sounds creepily like a 35-year-old woman. Over-the-top singers Patti LaBelle and Josh Groban. Inarticulate gristle-bag Madonna. Dakota Fanning reading gratitude lines with a bunch of other girls behind her. Beyonce, singing her new song about girls running the world in a sexy outfit and extremely-processed hair. People who like books. Schmoozemeister John Legend. Tree-lover Diane Sawyer. Halle Berry, Queen Latifah, and Katie Holmes, who looks like she’s had a stroke. People who said they did nice things because Oprah did nice things. The incredibly-crappy and oddly-included Rascal Flatts. Outcome: Oprah pretends to be surprised, gets verklempt, shakes head at the sheer wonder of herself.

Summary, Day Two: Creepy Hollywood child-pimpers Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith. Fellow large, but much more fit, Chicagoan Michael Jordan. Schmoozemeister Jamie Foxx. Still-blind Stevie Wonder. Uncomfortably unfunny and awkward Jerry Seinfeld. Fellow vile profiteer Simon Cowell.  Strange friends Dr. Phil, Nate Berkus, and Dr. Oz. Unblessed with vocal talent Rosie McDonnell. Competitive BFF Gayle King and recently-embarrassed Skeletor Maria Shriver. Tyler Perry and other educated black men showcased as cultural curiosities. Miniscule giant-headed Broadway Barbie Kristin Chenoweth. Oprah suck-up Dr. Maya Angelou. Alicia Keyes, mother of another oddly-named child. Rusting robot Stedman Graham, who could barely come up with anything to say about his long-time partner Oprah, and whose chemistry with her was as genuine as a Rolex in China. Aretha Franklin, whose version of “Amazing Grace” consisted of nothing but a series of diarrheal vocal runs. Schmoozemeister Usher. Outcome: Oprah continues to be Oprah; audience pees themselves.

What we learned from Days One & Two: what we already know, that Oprah has been for all these years and will continue to be, ALL ABOUT OPRAH. You could fill the United Center with fans and other messed-up famous people for a year straight and it would never fill the dualities of her bottomless pit of “love me, daddy” need and the billowing, bloated, universe-sized ego that fuels her. Has Oprah done nice things? Of course. She likes to give lots of her money to other people whom she feels are as repressed and victimized and marginalized as she has been, because those are truly the only people she can relate to. You have to suffer hard to get Oprah’s nod of worthiness. Of course, you haven’t ever really suffered as much as she has, nor ever worked as hard to overcome your difficulties and do good. She’s just that much more special.

The most disturbing day of the Oprah farewells is by far the third and last. This is where it becomes not even funny anymore. She appears in her TV-show studio, calm, controlled, and regal, to a group of the most hard-core Oprah cultists, looking like a black Jackie O from the Kennedy years. This is no coincidence. What follows is an appalling, jaw-dropping hour of Oprah more or less metamorphosizing into Jesus Christ. I’m not even kidding. She spends her last show making one sage proclamation after another, delivered like scripture to her rapt believers, with an air of such superior benevolence that one is surprised by the end that she doesn’t ascend into heaven.  Her repeated mentions of her special and personal relationship with the  “God” who made her (and not you) a famous billionaire was disturbing to me on a mental health level, and I would hope, offensive to Christians on all levels.

She only very briefly remarks how at the beginning, “The Oprah Winfrey Show” was just another down-and-dirty Jerry Springer trash fest, in the context of how, well, she was just going to be better than that. She does not point out how her wallowing in the mud day after day is what got her a regular following, and how in the end, her show was just as sensationalistic. Instead of having Velma and Jim Bob trade furious domestic insults, Oprah decided to spawn what I call the “Serial Confessor,” starting with herself and the personal miseries she endured as a child. Under the noble guise of removing shame and guilt, freeing the soul, and transforming the culture, Oprah kept her car-crash rubbernecked viewers and got her high ad rates and syndication deals. Guest after guest was trolled to reveal salient ugliness, to be “real,” and feel the phony validation offered by faceless millions and Oprah’s teary TV empathy.

It’s OPRAH’S fault that we now suffer through a world that, wherever you are, be it in a classroom, the DMV, the grocery store, the bus, a doctor’s waiting room, whatever, you have to listen to some asshole talk on and on about their personal lives in hideous, too-much-information detail. It’s OPRAH’S fault that television has degenerated into a morass of retarded reality shows, featuring the WORST PEOPLE ON THE PLANET THAT THE PRODUCERS CAN FIND. It’s OPRAH’S fault that people give up their privacy so enthusiastically just for a few moments of emo-wallowing fame or just anyone’s few moments of attention. “Love me, daddy,” as a world-wide religion…pathetic.

Oprah’s got her money and her fame. She’s very stoked that rich and famous people like her now. She’s delighted to think about all the grand things she’s done to save the world, one miserable commercial-interrupted victim at a time. So…what’s next? Wait, and watch. No matter what she says now, Oprah Winfrey will inevitably end up in high-level American politics. Her ego will demand it, her need to use those millions of head-nodding Oprah-cultists towards the ultimate power attainment. She’s nearly perfectly-placed for it. It will happen one way or another, when she chooses the time. She’s got some ground-work to do first.

By that time, the kids will probably be old enough to deal with Mommy swearing and flipping off Oprah on TV. I may well encourage them to join me.