I got the idea to write this today after reading this amusing article, "What Your Taste In Music Says About You On A Date." OK, dates are fine and all, but what we really need in this economy, people, are JOBS! Any slob can find another slob to slobber with, but careers are a far more tricky thing to figure out. How do you know what you are best at in the world? How do you find financial success coupled with emotionally-fulfilling toil? Forget all those overpriced "What Flavor Is Your Telephone?"guides; I've got a surefire way to steer you into the job of your dreams right here for FREE! OK, well, it's free only if you are stealing your neighbor's wi-fi. Anyway, here are my recommendations for...


The Who: Hotel maintenance worker.

Jethro Tull: Philosophy professor at a small, poorly-ranked liberal arts college in Vermont.

Carrie Underwood: Sunday School teacher.

Justin Timberlake: Shoe salesperson.

Nicki Minaj: Halloween costume store rental associate.

Lady Gaga: Owner of Halloween costume rental store.

Pink: Sassy waitress at a pseudo-1950's diner chain

Madonna: Botox injection specialist.

Miley Cyrus: STD counselor.

Phillip Phillips: Electrical electrician.

Daft Punk: Assisted Living Home activities director.

Michael Jackson: Disney Store retail associate.

The Kinks: Family Law attorney.

The Rolling Stones: Geriatric physical therapist.

One Direction: Proactiv acne system phone salesperson.

Vampire Weekend: International diplomat.

The Flaming Lips: Surrealist painter.

Weird Al Yankovich: Comedy club bartender.

The Beatles: Record store owner.

Led Zeppelin: Copyright attorney.

Britney Spears: Tattoo-removal specialist.

Danzig: Kitty litter manufacturer.

Elvis Presley: TV repair.

PSY: Office drone.

Imagine Dragons: Game programmer.

Nickelback: Wal-Mart checker.

Pat Boone: Wal-Mart greeter.

Green Day: (see Led Zeppelin)

The Ramones: School ADHD specialist.

Talking Heads: Elementary school art teacher.

The Velvet Underground: High school art teacher.

R.E.M.: Speech therapist.

Creedence Clearwater Revival: (see R.E.M.)

David Bowie: Retail associate, Menswear, Nordstrom

Motley Crüe: Driving instructor.

Grateful Dead: Home-knotted rainbow hammock salesperson.

Phish: Medical marijuana grower.

Eminem: Car wash finish wiper.

Elvis Costello: Clinical psychologist.

The Eagles: Sleep disorders specialist.

Hank Williams: Bail bondsperson.

Hank Williams, Jr.: Fox News writer.

Radiohead: Librarian.

Johnny Cash: Prison social worker.

AC/DC: Sheet metal worker.

Frank Zappa: Tenured, unintelligible art history professor, Harvard.

The Police: Caucasian owner of Reggae bar, Leeds.

Frank Sinatra: Pizza parlor owner, New Jersey.

Metallica: Guitar Center retail associate.

Queen: LGTB lobbyist.

Pink Floyd: Laser light show worker.

Elton John: Optician at Lens Crafters.

Van Morrison: bartender at Murphy's Irish Pub, Cedar Rapids, IA.

Bruce Springsteen: Cross-country truck driver.

The Doors: Home Depot associate.

The Beach Boys: Paddleboard rental business owner, San Diego, CA.

Chuck Berry: Video surveillance camera installer.

Bob Dylan: Mayor of New York City.

Justin Bieber: Dog groomer, Fluffy's Fluff n' Go, Little Rock, AR.

The Shins: Introverted high school English Literature teacher.

Morrissey: Very introverted high school English Literature teacher.

Leonard Cohen: Catatonic high school English Literature teacher.