Has anything ever bothered you in life? 
-- Never.

Do you have any problem you need to solve?
-- 99 of them, in fact.

A pending court case you want to resolve in your favor?
-- I've retained a wild-haired wizard riding a glitter unicorn, thanks.

Health, relationship and finance.
-- This is not a question or even a sentence.

Welcome to the world of miracles and wonders, there are supernatural treasure and power to liberate mankind from all afflictions.
-- How do Miracle Whip and Wonderbras fit into this utopia?

Why cant you live a life of your dream?
-- Because people cannot spontaneously hover.

Why must you work so hard and yet earn so little?
--  Because I am not a capitalist overlord.

Why cant you be happy with the one you love and desire or why cant the one you love reciprocate and appreciate that love?
-- Because then no one would write songs anymore.

Why would the doctor tell you there is no solution or cure to your problems?
-- Lack of Big Pharma kickback?

Why would your lawyer say you stand no chance, that your case is hopeless?
-- Because it won't result in a multi-million dollar class action suit that would assure a comfortable early retirement for the litigators.

Have you been cheated by anyone or those owing you money refuse to pay back?
-- Like I have money to lend, lol, buddy.

Do you need a rapid job promotion in your place of work?
-- Doesn't that lead to rapid heart attacks?

You want to venture into politics?
-- Doesn't that lead to rapid heart attacks?

Now I understand certain things are hard to believe and comprehend, but  all I  ask from you is only 7 days and if you will follow my instructions and use the items you will receive, I promise your life will never be the same again.
-- Only in that I would be out quite a bit of money and have the word "SUCKER" tattooed on my forehead, yes?

If you find no relevance in the help I offer I solemnly appeals do not be vindictive and go in peace.
-- Wow, you don't know me very well!

And if your intentions are to take advantage of the powerful nature of our items for the purpose of evil, I will not have any business with you please be advised.
-- Oh, you're no fun anymore.

May angels guide you.
-- May they guide you too, spammer...right into a flaming river of diarrhea. Good day, sir!