As a kid growing up in the '60s and '70s, I read everything that came into my house. I mean every last little thing, from cereal boxes to tins of creamed corn to the daily newspaper to whatever magazines my parents subscribed to. One of those magazines was the venerable Better Homes & Gardens, of course slanted towards the homemaker. Besides reading recipes for Lime Jello Marshmallow Surprise and learning how to set the table for Thanksgiving, there were these tiny little ads at the back of the issue that often got my attention. I recently picked up a couple of old issues of BH & G when I was back in Wisconsin, and thought I'd share some of my old confusion and delight with you. Please to enjoy!

This ad ran for years. I was always stunned that there were TWO NAKED PEOPLE in Better Homes & Gardens. I think if I ever saw one for sale now I'd have to buy it, but then would never hang it up.

The Boot Tree Lady kind of reminded me at the time of the Kinky Boots in the Beatles' Yellow Submarine film. When I look at it now, it's just weird.

Look at this selection! Do you think anyone got a record in the mail by the real artist for their dollar in cash or check? Hmm.

Better Homes & Gardens knew that stay-at-home-moms, which back then was almost all moms because lol equality, at some point would have "nervous exhaustion" from being around annoying children and home crap all day every day....

Which reminds me of this Anacin commercial, a classic freakout.

"Does your husband turn into a raging beast every time you discuss money matters?" THEN LEAVE, YA DOPE! Oh, wait. 1970. Riiight.


Aw, jeez.

OK, now who wouldn't want the JET ROD FLAME GUN??? I did laugh loudly at "Completely safe." OH SURE. WHAT COULD GO WRONG.

Stone-cold proof that modern-day hipsters did not invent the love of owl and mushroom art.

I am pretty certain that this ballad would not, I repeat, NOT be lyrically-favorable to the late Senator Ted Kennedy.

Oh yes, yes, let's get this adorable clown/pig light switch cover that looks like someone has taken a hatchet to its head! Little Bobby will love it!

Damn... is there any more boring name than "Harold J. Norman?"

COMMONERS! Now these Lordly Wall Plaques may grace your abominable hovel!

I am full of certainty that this phone amplifier sounds about as good as the PA system in the Amtrak station in Harrisburg, PA. In other words, everything sounds as if the speaker has a mouthful of metal shavings encased by Lime Jello Marshmallow Surprise.

You and I both know that the only people who bought this sign were men who gleefully stuck it in their mother-in-law's garden and sprinted away giggling.

I have never desired to own a Wee Crystal Vase, nor anything advertised as "wee."

And finally...ok..."auto perch pleases pet?" Pedal pushed, pet pitches, poodle pushes petals posthumously! RIP, PIERRE!