Oh, here we go again. Gut Spill 4 Cash.

This time, it is Maureen McCormick who played the oldest sister Marcia on TV's "The Brady Bunch." Now in her 50s, she has written her autobiography, "Here's the Story: Surviving Marcia Brady and Finding My True Voice." The title alone makes me roll my eyes compulsively, sigh, and frown. Let me help you out, so none of you have to lay out the $25.95 hardcover price: HERE'S THE STORY -- MARCIA BRADY WAS A COKE HO!

Is this interesting? Really? Another story of a child actor waylaid by Hollywood. FASCINATING. NOVEL. CLASSY. Where's Oprah to pick up on the Misery Train and hail McCormick for her GUTSY LIFE JOURNEY? Oh, yes, pretty teenager on a famous TV show, un-gifted as an actor and singer, can't continue her career and gets sucked up into the 70s/80s California high life. Tell everyone in the world about your drugs. Tell every stranger on the planet about your abortion. Talk more about a dead gay man who played your father who can't talk back. WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH.

Oy fucking vey. This is what makes money for publishing houses. Sell a few mil of Marcia's vomiting confessions, and maybe you have the bucks to publish a few decent books that no one will ever read.

The confessor rationalizes dumping her ugliness on us as a way of letting us see THE TRUTH, so that we may GROW from it and relate as FRAIL HUMANS ALL. Well, gee. I am just not quite sure how to build my character from the story of an entertainment-world casualty. You have to have some kind of respect for someone to begin with to feel for their struggles. She was a kid on a TV show. She wasn't in a POW camp or anything.

Dignity denied, for probably a six-figure advance. A charming message for her teenage daughter. We get nothing of value from your confess, Ms. McCormick. You are just today's pathetic display. There will be a new one tomorrow.

Here's the story of a lovely lady
Who just had to tell us all about her world
Now whenever the young kiddies see her in reruns,
They can think, "well, what a screwed up girl."