VICES

I have a few.

• Coffee. Made by a huge corporation at great profit per cup.

• The Internet. This series of tubes interests me. I enjoy its hilarity and topicality.

• Shopping. Specifically for low skinny jeans with 1% spandex. 2% spandex stretches out too much in a few hours, and 0% spandex is not kind enough. Oh, and also shoes that make me smile.

• Cars with very good acceleration.
  

• Smart folks. Must also be not turdish or insane.

• Infants. That YouTube of the Laughing Quadruplets makes me want to have them all. Then I remember some vices you really have to reign in.

• The Last Word. Mumbled Last Jabs should not count. Neither should kamikaze emails with dramatic log off flourishes.

• The Smells of Freshly Cut Grass, Lilacs, Gasoline, Brownies, and New Cars With Very Good Acceleration.

• Swearing. Reigned in 99.5% of the time around Infants & Children, and the Turdish.
  

• Did I mention the coffee problem?