Summer has finally come to life here in the Pacific Northwest. Along with the pleasant warm temperatures and sunny blue skies we see scads of people compelled to ditch work and head for a local beach, terrified into sunaction knowing that within a few weeks it will be cold, rainy, and reek of sidewalk death worms. Unfortunately, a perfect day at the beach can also be spoiled by the presence of those who are lacking in proper Beach Etiquette. Here are the five kinds beachgoers that I'd like to throw into a massive vat of swirling, bottomless Coppertone while playing "Surfin' USA" in a grotesque, overly-loud loop.
1. The Parent Who Makes You Parent Their Kid Around Water: Ask any semi-lucid, non-felonious adult -- part or all of your trip made to any body of water where families gather will be spent nervously keeping an eye on Someone's Else Kid Who Cannot Swim. It's quite stunning how many times I've seen unattended toddlers and preschoolers with a flattened ducky floaty fling themselves into the ocean while Mommy is busy smoking and sexting the neighbor. Worse is when you actually run and save the kid from drowning and Mommy gives you the evil eye because she doesn't like to be judged like that.
2. The Loud-Mouthed Swearing Drunken Partiers: There's nothing like spending some sweet family time trying to build a beach sandcastle with your child and there's 15 obnoxious PBR-riddled boors next to you grilling hot dogs and screaming out slimy profanities every other word. These are the people who should fling themselves into the ocean, I humbly suggest.
3. The Unskilled JetSki-er: Often a guy who has rented or borrowed one of these loud and powerful machines, and ends up terrorizing swimmers because he can't pilot the thing worth a damn. The only thing good about him is that he falls off it a lot, too, and you can laugh at that.
4. The Sour-Faced Preening Bikini Babe: This is the girl who is a Professional Beach Hottie. She seemingly spends all day, every day, at HER spot on the beach, already has a dark orange spray tan, and is wearing a $300 string bikini that is never to be worn into the water. She often removes her top whilst tanning on her tummy, has one of those water-spray personal fans, and only allows other PBH's to sit near her. If YOU get too close, she will glare at you like you are a freshly-made dog turd. OK, honey, OK, don't worry, we'll try not to spill any of our unattractiveness on you, chill out.
5. The Seagull: Seagulls are assholes who aggressively flap around you and steal any food you might bring to the beach. Sorry, bird...try to take MY sandwich and I'll punch you in the damn BEAK. TRY ME, AVIAN.
Angry Birds Steal A Sandwich