MORNING LAMENT

Oh, Couch Teen!
As I rise in the semi-darkness this morn
Rushing your siblings to their education
I see
You have left me
Cheese on the kitchen counter
English muffins, to go stale
Plates and cups and half-empty water bottles
A box of crackers on the living room floor
Two laptop computers humming away on my couch
An online game popping away on their screens
A backpack, a jacket, a crumpled-up pair of pants
Seven chocolate chip cookies, sitting still on a baking sheet
Crumbs all over the floor.

My frown sinks deeply, my ire deeper still
This
Shall not stand.

COUCH TEEN! I yell
COUCH TEEN!
WAKE UP!
GET UP NOW!
NOW!
My tone is sharp, insistent, I take no prisoners
COUCH TEEN, UP!
Mmmmpphhhfff, I hear
“Whaa..??”
I then fire off the list of transgressions, one by one
Like a white-haired judge, ready to hang a dude already and go home
I take no protest nor accept any possibility of teen sleep
I continue and mention that
I leave now and upon my return in approximately 45 minutes
All transgressions will have been rectified
All filth removed
Plates and cups in the dishwasher
Or else.

The garage door clambers up, then down again with a clatter
The stopwatch begins.

To school, sign in, kiss kiss, drive to coffee and breakfast sandwich
Tick tick tick
Driving up the hill to home
HMMMMM goes the garage door
Tick
I find
It all
Cleaned up
His bedroom door shut once again.
HA!