MY GOD, THE HORROR
Disturbance: A male salon worker at a Medina business became irritated when a female customer would not make eye contact with him as he was working on her nails March 16. Police responded to the disturbance. Another employee finished the woman’s nails.
Loss: A Birch Hill apartment resident informed police on March 4 that she had lost her phone charger. Police did not determine that to be a pressing issue, so no investigation is imminent.
Paint: While in a tunnel near Springbrook Drive March 6, several juveniles noticed some splatter on the wall of the tunnel around 2:50 p.m. Police responded and determined it was paint. Everything was deemed okay.
Vandalism: On Middle Road, a homeowner found an obscene word penned on their home in very small lettering.
Noise: A man on Highway 2 East was invited to lower the volume of his music.
Assault: 11:52 p.m., 5400 block of Lakemont Boulevard Southeast. Subjects were engaged in a verbal argument over cultural issues. The argument resulted in mutual simple assault.
Disorderly Conduct: An argument between a couple ended with police referring both of them on charges of disorderly conduct.
According to the police report, officers were summoned to a residence in the 900 block of Westover Avenue at 1:30 a.m. for a physical incident. When officers arrived they made contact with a 41-year-old man and observed that his shirt was ripped around the collar.
The man told police that the woman was upset that someone in the family had been involved in an accident. When he arrived home from work, she sent him out to buy alcohol even though she was taking medication for a back problem.
He returned with a bottle of wine and two 32-ounce cans of beer. She consumed the bottle of wine, and he drank the beers. According to the police report, the man wanted the night to end romantically and she began to talk about the family member who was in the accident. The man told her to worry about their own problems, not things they can't control.
The man alleges she then hit him in the face twice with an open hand and ripped his shirt and that he pushed her and she fell. The woman was transported to Oconomowoc Memorial Hospital for neck pain incurred from the fall.
Animal Control: A concerned citizen called to report that a mountain lion was sitting on the fence at the county landfill. Fortunately, the feline was actually dead and posed no danger to dump patrons.
Suspicious: Someone in Martin City claimed that it appeared that blood was coming from the attic of their home. Deputies arrived to find that the “blood” was in fact maple syrup on the floor.
Obscenity: A drunk woman at a N. Court St. bar allegedly used her hands to show her distaste for police on March 17. No citations were reported.
Threatening Behavior: A local man claims that another individual came into his business and made threatening hand gestures.
MESSY MESSY MESSY
Vandalism: The owner of a Lafayette Road storage unit told police that someone had left a used condom on the lock of the door sometime on March 18 or 19. The man wanted to report the incident.
Mischief: Several suspects allegedly rang the doorbell to an Old Farm Trail home around 10:30 p.m. March 20 and ran away. As they fled, the individuals threw a plastic bag, which contained feces, at the exterior of the house. Police could not locate the suspects.
Vandalism: Unknown assailants squirted mustard and Italian dressing all over a 2003 Toyota Camry that was parked at a Highland Avenue residence.
Vandalism: Someone on Maple Drive apparently found a prophylactic implement along with a suggestive note in their mailbox. Authorities are investigating.
CRIMINAL WORD PLAY
Underage Drinking: Police cited Edward Shoning, 20, of 113 Lakeview Court, and Adrian K. Mikelonis, 20, of W260 N2972 Steeplechase Drive, City of Pewaukee, for underage drinking March 13.
According to the report, an officer saw the two leave the Pickled Egg, 215 Oakton Ave., at about 2:20 a.m. As the officer drove by, he saw Shoning attempting to hide behind a trailer. The officer stopped and approached the two and found they had been drinking.
Shoplifting: Store security at Walmart, 250 Wolf Run, observed Holi Smart, 47, of Dousman removing various food items, toiletries, cat food and glass-type gems from their packaging and placing them into shopping bags at about 4:30 p.m. March 5. Smart was stopped outside the store by security and was arrested and cited for retail theft. The items were valued at $108.20.
Distress: According to a caller, a man pushing a vehicle on Highway 206 looked like he was in distress. His bad mood was found to be a direct result of his broken-down vehicle.
Disturbance: Walking eastbound on Highway 2 East, an older male subject was reportedly yelling and exhibiting obnoxious behavior. Officers visited with him and he went home.
Slur: An Oak St. resident informed police that an individual drove by the home in a truck on March 12 and shouted a derogatory term out the window at the man. The driver of the truck did not stop, and nothing else was said. The resident merely wanted to document the incident.
Distress: A possibly suicidal man on Highway 35 was not in fact suicidal. Authorities contacted him and found that he was on his way to dinner.
EASTER BUNNIES GONE BAD?
Mischief: Subjects in a mud-covered vehicle allegedly chucked eggs at people on East Evergreen Drive. Police could not locate the individuals.
MY LOCAL AMERICAN IDOL CRIME
Speeding: Former American Idol contestant and Federal Way resident Sanjaya Malakar apparently can't drive 55. He was caught going 50 miles over the posted speed limit early Tuesday morning on I-405 through Kirkland. Malakar, who was a contestant on season six of the popular reality show and was famous for his hair style and voice, was issued a ticket for $411 from the Washington State Patrol for going 110 mph near the N.E. 85th Street exit in the south-bound direction at approximately 2:30 a.m. Malakar was driving a blue 2008 Mazda 6 so fast it took the Patrolman nearly three miles to catch up and pull him over. No drugs or alcohol were found during the stop and Malakar was not arrested for reckless endangerment, as there were no other vehicles in the area at the time.
And my very favorite…
Animal Control: A resident of North Ferndale Drive called to ask questions regarding a neighbor’s dead llama.
Animal Control: Officers left a notice at the home of a dead llama on Ferndale Drive. It is unknown how the creature died.
Animal Control: A resident of North Ferndale Drive called to ask questions regarding a neighbor who was evidently burning a dead llama.